This is How They Roll

I found an interesting video showcasing how opponents of gay rights actually got Referendum 71 on the ballot. Is it really all that surprising that it was through deception and lies? I'm guessing this is why they didn't want the names on the petition to be released. They said it was for protection from hate crimes (HAHAHA, I still can't get over that one!) but in reality, they didn't want anyone to be able to check up on how truthful these people were in getting their signatures. I'm wondering exactly how many of the people who signed this petition actually knew what they were signing...?

Anti-Gay Signature Fraud Caught on Tape

Day 75

Today was an exciting day. We are in Washington state. There is a push by the anti-gay forces in the state to repeal the Domestic Partnership legislation recently passed by the Washington legislature. Anti-gay organizations are trying to collect enough signatures to bring Referendum 71 to the ballot. This referendum seeks to repeal the Domestic Partnership Expansion Law of 2009, passed by the legislature, that gives registered domestic partners wherever they live in Washington many of the rights and protections already enjoyed by legally married couples.

If the backers of Referendum 71 collect enough signatures to get it on the November ballot, then the question on the ballot will be: Should this bill be approve or rejected?

The anti-gay organizations are using paid signature gatherers in attempt to collect the required number of signatures needed to put the referendum on the ballot. The signatures are due this Saturday.

While in Port Angeles, Washington, we stopped at WalMart for a quick minute. (Interesting Fact: Port Angeles, WA is where the book and film “Twilight” takes place.) As I was walking into WalMart, I was stopped by a signature gatherer who asked my opinion on same-sex marriage. I told him that I am gay and we had a long conversation about equal rights.

After I bought some medicine at the pharmacy, I came back out to the van and grabbed my camera. I filmed the man collecting signatures for a bit, then I went over to talk with him. He was friendly and let me film him for a while.

We talked about his personal beliefs about same-sex marriage. He is in favor of equal marriage rights and would vote against the referendum if it gets on the ballot. He went on for a while about how gays deserve the same rights and that the church is wrong for trying to take those rights away. It was an interesting conversation.

Then it got even more interesting. He approached a woman and asked her if she supports same-sex marriage. When she said yes, he handed her the clipboard to sign the referendum. She though she was signing in favor of equal marriage. He tricked her, right in front of me, on camera. I called him out on it.

He said to her:

“Did you get a chance to sign our petition? We’re giving you an opportunity to decided whether or not you are in favor of giving homosexual couples legal marriage licenses. Not just the same rights as married people, but a marriage license too. Do you have an opinion on that? Yes? No? Or don’t Care?”

The woman said yes, that she will sign, and he handed her the clipboard. It was obvious to me that she was signing what she thought was a petition in favor or giving same-sex couples marriage licenses. So I asked her if she supports same-sex marriage. She said that she did.

That is not it. The bigger deal is that, to collect signatures, he is telling people that the referendum is to stop same-sex couples from getting marriage licenses. That is not true. He is telling folks that same-sex couples would still receive all the rights of marriage with Domestic Partnerships, when in fact, the referendum they are signing has nothing to do with marriage; it would repeal the Domestic Partnership law.

Unfortunately, at the time, I had no idea that he was lying about Referendum 71 being about marriage, not domestic partnerships. I just got into the state and knew nothing about the petition. I believed him when he said it was about marriage. It wasn’t until the next day, when I showed the footage to Equal Rights Washington that I learned he was even lying about the goals of the referendum.

I called my friend Josh, who is the Advocacy Director at Equal Rights Washington and told him about the footage. He was excited about it and asked me if he could use it on the campaign against the referendum. I am giving him a copy of the footage to expose the fraudulent signature gathering.

There is a lot more I could say about this interaction, but just watch the video. It is incredible.

Here is the video

My new Hero

I saw this on Facebook today and was in awe! I read part of this man's book The Sins of Scripture several weeks ago and was struck by what he wrote. Once again, he blows me away with his words.


Bishop John Shelby Spong -- A Manifesto! The Time Has Come!

I have made a decision. I will no longer debate the issue of homosexuality in the church with anyone. I will no longer engage the biblical ignorance that emanates from so many right-wing Christians about how the Bible condemns homosexuality, as if that point of view still has any credibility. I will no longer discuss with them or listen to them tell me how homosexuality is "an abomination to God," about how homosexuality is a "chosen lifestyle," or about how through prayer and "spiritual counseling" homosexual persons can be "cured." Those arguments are no longer worthy of my time or energy. I will no longer dignify by listening to the thoughts of those who advocate "reparative therapy," as if homosexual persons are somehow broken and need to be repaired. I will no longer talk to those who believe that the unity of the church can or should be achieved by rejecting the presence of, or at least at the expense of, gay and lesbian people. I will no longer take the time to refute the unlearned and undocumentable claims of certain world religious leaders who call homosexuality "deviant."

I will no longer listen to that pious sentimentality that certain Christian leaders continue to employ, which suggests some version of that strange and overtly dishonest phrase that "we love the sinner but hate the sin." That statement is, I have concluded, nothing more than a self-serving lie designed to cover the fact that these people hate homosexual persons and fear homosexuality itself, but somehow know that hatred is incompatible with the Christ they claim to profess, so they adopt this face-saving and absolutely false statement.

I will no longer temper my understanding of truth in order to pretend that I have even a tiny smidgen of respect for the appalling negativity that continues to emanate from religious circles where the church has for centuries conveniently perfumed its ongoing prejudices against blacks, Jews, women and homosexual persons with what it assumes is "high-sounding, pious rhetoric." The day for that mentality has quite simply come to an end for me. I will personally neither tolerate it nor listen to it any longer. The world has moved on, leaving these elements of the Christian Church that cannot adjust to new knowledge or a new consciousness lost in a sea of their own irrelevance. They no longer talk to anyone but themselves.

I will no longer seek to slow down the witness to inclusiveness by pretending that there is some middle ground between prejudice and oppression. There isn't. Justice postponed is justice denied. That can be a resting place no longer for anyone. An old civil rights song proclaimed that the only choice awaiting those who cannot adjust to a new understanding was to "Roll on over or we'll roll on over you!" Time waits for no one.

I will particularly ignore those members of my own Episcopal Church who seek to break away from this body to form a "new church," claiming that this new and bigoted instrument alone now represents the Anglican Communion. Such a new ecclesiastical body is designed to allow these pathetic human beings, who are so deeply locked into a world that no longer exists, to form a community in which they can continue to hate gay people, distort gay people with their hopeless rhetoric and to be part of a religious fellowship in which they can continue to feel justified in their homophobic prejudices for the rest of their tortured lives. Church unity can never be a virtue that is preserved by allowing injustice, oppression and psychological tyranny to go unchallenged.

In my personal life, I will no longer listen to televised debates conducted by "fair-minded" channels that seek to give "both sides" of this issue "equal time." I am aware that these stations no longer give equal time to the advocates of treating women as if they are the property of men or to the advocates of reinstating either segregation or slavery, despite the fact that when these evil institutions were coming to an end the Bible was still being quoted frequently on each of these subjects. It is time for the media to announce that there are no longer two sides to the issue of full humanity for gay and lesbian people. There is no way that justice for homosexual people can be compromised any longer.

I will no longer act as if the Papal office is to be respected if the present occupant of that office is either not willing or not able to inform and educate himself on public issues on which he dares to speak with embarrassing ineptitude.

I will no longer be respectful of the leadership of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who seems to believe that rude behavior, intolerance and even killing prejudice is somehow acceptable, so long as it comes from third-world religious leaders, who more than anything else reveal in themselves the price that colonial oppression has required of the minds and hearts of so many of our world's population.

I see no way that ignorance and truth can be placed side by side, nor do I believe that evil is somehow less evil if the Bible is quoted to justify it. I will dismiss as unworthy of any more of my attention the wild, false and uninformed opinions of such would-be religious leaders as Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, Albert Mohler, and Robert Duncan. My country and my church have both already spent too much time, energy and money trying to accommodate these backward points of view when they are no longer even tolerable.

I make these statements because it is time to move on. The battle is over. The victory has been won.

There is no reasonable doubt as to what the final outcome of this struggle will be.

· Homosexual people will be accepted as equal, full human beings, who have a legitimate claim on every right that both church and society have to offer any of us.
· Homosexual marriages will become legal, recognized by the state and pronounced holy by the church.
· "Don't ask, don't tell" will be dismantled as the policy of our armed forces.

We will and we must learn that equality of citizenship is not something that should ever be submitted to a referendum. Equality under and before the law is a solemn promise conveyed to all our citizens in the Constitution itself. Can any of us imagine having a public referendum on whether slavery should continue, whether segregation should be dismantled, whether voting privileges should be offered to women?

The time has come for politicians to stop hiding behind unjust laws that they themselves helped to enact, and to abandon that convenient shield of demanding a vote on the rights of full citizenship because they do not understand the difference between a constitutional democracy, which this nation has, and a "mobocracy," which this nation rejected when it adopted its constitution. We do not put the civil rights of a minority to the vote of a plebiscite.

I will also no longer act as if I need a majority vote of some ecclesiastical body in order to bless, ordain, recognize and celebrate the lives and gifts of gay and lesbian people in the life of the church. No one should ever again be forced to submit the privilege of citizenship in this nation or membership in the Christian Church to the will of a majority vote.

The battle in both our culture and our church to rid our souls of this dying prejudice is finished. A new consciousness has arisen. A decision has quite clearly been made. Inequality for gay and lesbian people is no longer a debatable issue in either church or state. Therefore, I will from this moment on refuse to dignify the continued public expression of ignorant prejudice by engaging it. I do not tolerate racism or sexism any longer. From this moment on, I will no longer tolerate our culture's various forms of homophobia. I do not care who it is who articulates these attitudes or who tries to make them sound holy with religious jargon.

I have been part of this debate for years, but things do get settled and this issue is now settled for me. I do not debate any longer with members of the "Flat Earth Society" either. I do not debate with people who think we should treat epilepsy by casting demons out of the epileptic person; I do not waste time engaging those medical opinions that suggest that bleeding the patient might release the infection. I do not converse with people who think that Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans as punishment for the sin of being the birthplace of Ellen DeGeneres or that the terrorists hit the United Sates on 9/11 because we tolerated homosexual people, abortions, feminism or the American Civil Liberties Union.

I am tired of being embarrassed by so much of my church's participation in causes that are quite unworthy of the Christ I serve or the God whose mystery and wonder I appreciate more each day. Indeed I feel the Christian Church should not only apologize, but do public penance for the way we have treated people of color, women, adherents of other religions and those we designated heretics, as well as gay and lesbian people.

Life moves on. As the poet James Russell Lowell once put it more than a century ago: "New occasions teach new duties, Time makes ancient good uncouth." I am ready now to claim the victory. I will from now on assume it and live into it. I am unwilling to argue about it or to discuss it as if there are two equally valid, competing positions any longer. The day for that mentality has simply gone forever.

This is my manifesto and my creed. I proclaim it today. I invite others to join me in this public declaration. I believe that such a public outpouring will help cleanse both the church and this nation of its own distorting past. It will restore integrity and honor to both church and state. It will signal that a new day has dawned and we are ready not just to embrace it, but also to rejoice in it and to celebrate it.

- John Shelby Spong

The Confusing Right, Part 2

There has been a lot of recent buzz in the state of Washington. On the November ballot this year is the hot topic of gay rights. Here is the wording for Referendum 71, so there will be no confusion about what I am about to discuss.


This bill would expand the rights, responsibilities, and obligations accorded state-registered same-sex and senior domestic partners to be equivalent to those of married spouses, except that a domestic partnership is not a marriage.

Okay, I think that is quite clear! All same-sex partners are asking for is the equal rights of married couples. Call it a Civil Union, call it a Contract Agreement, call it the end of civilization as we know it...whatever! But I think the wording at the very end of the last sentence says it all: a domestic partnership is NOT a marriage. Have the people against gay marriage even read what Referendum 71 says??

You would think that opponents of gay marriage rights who have for years now been trying to "protect the sanctity of marriage" would be okay with this. Right? I mean we're not trying to pervert the highly successful marriage rate that is never ruined by the concept of divorce, cheating spouses or reality shows (I'm talking about you, John and Kate - because there is a perfect example of a happily sanctified marriage!).

Today as I was driving my bus route, I saw a sign in the back window of a car. It looked like it had been printed off a website, but the gist of it was to reject Referendum 71 to protect marriage and the following website was conveniently displayed in large bold letters so I could look it up when I got home.

http://www.protectmarriagewa.com/

Wow. Seriously? This is still an issue for people? One would think that people who are trying to protect the definition of a word would back off considering that the referendum CLEARLY states that domestic partnerships are NOT defined as a marriage. Exactly what leg do these people have left to stand on?

Seeing this defense still being used makes me wonder if this really is about their precious marriage definition. Perhaps this is really about fear. Lord knows the far right loves to spread hate through scare tactics. They fear what they do not understand so they rush to judgment and preach thinly veiled defenses for their agenda.

What other conclusion can I draw? It's right there on the front of their website:

Are the homosexuals finally going to take control of our culture and push their depraved lifestyle on our children and families?

Senator Val Stevens leads off her article on the front page of their website with that question. Well, Val - may I call you Val? -- the answer to your question is "NO!". Homosexuals, by asking for the same rights of married couples, are not trying to push our "depraved lifestyle" on your children and families. In fact, we promise we won't even invite you to the commitment ceremony, though we all know you'll be there anyway with pickets and cries of injustice. That's just your way.

If you want our tax money, then the least you can do is give us the same rights of married couples - a right we deserve no matter what your errant, fallible Bible says.

Senator Val Stevens continues: Amidst harassment and even death threats by the homosexual radicals pushing this into our faces, just enough signatures were gathered to give you the final say on the upcoming ballot.

I love when the far right takes their argument here. I jump up and down, giddy and clapping my hands. Is she seriously going to make this statement? Okay, clearly she is and has. I have yet to hear any of these claims proven in news reports. One would think that such claims, were they true, would be newsworthy. Last Spring police raided a gay bar and severely beat a gay man. We all know the story of Matthew Shepherd. Those stories were ALL over the news. Why have I not seen news reports backing up the claims of Senator Val?

There have been claims that people who signed the petition to get the issue of gay domestic partner rights on the 2009 November ballot are too scared to make themselves known because they worry about death threats and harassment. Well, there's that fear again! But seriously, are they that afraid that their own tactics will be used against them? I guess they are. I once heard someone say that people who stoop to criminal activity are often wary of having it done against them.

I had a conversation about this issue with a co-worker last week. I have been hearing an anti-referendum-71 commercial on local radio station Star 101.5 the past several weeks. The gist of the commercial is that Washington's politicians are "out of touch with the issues" and should be focusing on more important things like our wounded economy and the current war and the housing crisis. Frankly, this sounds like a recycled commercial script from past right-wing propaganda. It appears as though someone copied and pasted the script from previous editions and didn't really think to proofread his work. The commercial has no direction or purpose - well other than to promote fear and get people to reject Referendum 71. Oh, and by the way, it wasn't Washington state politicians who pushed to get this on the November ballot. It was, in fact, the right-wing conservatives. Senator Val herself admitted that.

Anyway, I was mentioning this commercial to my co-worker - a right-wing conservative Christian. He immediately shared with me something he heard on the radio -- a conservative DJ (I'm guessing Rush Limbaugh or that other idiot Glenn Beck) who said that the problem with Democrats is that they want everyone to not be concerned with the bedroom, but want to control every other room in the house. They want to suggest which light bulb we should use and which car we should drive.

I laughed and said to my coworker, "But can you see the difference between how Democrats face an issue and how Republicans do? If a Democrat doesn't like the light bulb you use, they aren't going to beat you within an inch of your life and leave you to die in the middle of nowhere tied to a fence. If a Democrat doesn't like that you drive an SUV or a Hummer, they're not going to declare for you eternal damnation because the Bible says so."

His response was to share with me reports of vandalism to SUV's and Hummers in the downtown area. Apparently, environmentalists have launched a campaign to inflict damage to vehicles parked in the Seattle area in the way of broken windshields, slashed tired and broken head and tail lights. My mouth must have dropped open because my co-worker stared at me and said, "What?"

I said, "Are you seriously comparing the beating of a human homosexual to the distruction of an SUV or a Hummer?" He tried to backpeddle, but still insisted that the distruction of private property is clearly wrong.

How about the distruction of the human spirit? How about the distruction of human rights? How about the distruction of souls? Well, I guess if they belong to perverted homosexuals, then they don't count.

The Audacity of Dope

My cousin was over for game night and, as usual, we had lots of giggles. I'm not sure how it came up, but at one point she asked me if I had heard the rumor that Matt Dallas, the really cute blue-eyed guy with the gorgeous smile from the ABC Family show Kyle XY is gay. I hadn't, but was very intrigued because, well...the guy is hot!

Naturally, I put a halt on our current game and ran to my computer to confirm this juicy bit of gossip. Unfortunately, every single website I found that was willingly spreading the rumor pointed to Prez Hilton as the source of the rumor.

I am NOT a fan of Prez Hilton at all. Sure we all love a bit of gossip, but Prez Hilton has made it his ... hobby? career? sadistic goal in life? to out closeted gay actors and I think it's a really shitty business.

When I was still trying to come out years ago, I was friends with a lesbian co-worker who is in her 50's. She doesn't hide who she is at all and frequently talks about her partner. I think it is great that she can be so comfortable about who she is. At the time, I was wishing I could be more like her, but it took all I could for me to just come out to her. Once we were sitting in the computer break room at work and in front of several people she asked me how my "date with the guy I liked" had gone. All heads turned to me and I gave an embarrassed chuckle and said "Hey, guess what...? I'm gay..."

Later I confronted her and asked her to keep questions like that for a time when there weren't other people around. Her response was something along the lines of it was time for me to come out and maybe she was right, but I really have a problem with out gays and lesbians who think that busting open the door of timid homosexuals and pushing them into the limelight. Let them come out on their own time!

This is what Prez Hilton does. He takes it upon himself to ruin the public life of celebrities for his own shits and giggles and I think it's disgusting.

Now I will admit that when my cousin told me about the Matt Dallas rumor I was thrilled. Frankly, he was the only reason I really ever watched Kyle XY. So yes, like a school girl I shamelessly flocked to find out more about this juicy rumor. But when I hear that it was started by someone like Prez Hilton, all the magic sputters out of the moment like air from a deflating balloon.

I guess this makes me a hypocrite. I was so willing to want to hear more about the rumor until I discovered that it was started by Prez, a bastard I'm not fond of because he outs closeted celebrities. Of course, I'm also contributing to the life of the rumor by talking about it here on my blog... What really bugs me is that he sites no reason for the rumor on his site. He just announces that "sources tell" him it's true. Ergo...it must be! Who needs proof when you're potentially ruining a man's career, right?

Okay, sure... Neil Patrick Harris has risen above his outting by the blog queen, so Matt Dallas has a chance to as well, but Dallas' show Kyle XY was cancelled and right now he's on the new show Eastwick as the boyfriend of one of the witches. He is SOO adorable, by the way! But his character is expendable and it wouldn't take much for ABC to decide that his character is no longer believable so they should just write him off the show. Then the poor guy is off looking for work again.

So, if there is truth to the rumor, well, welcome to the family, Matt. From what I've seen of you in interviews, you are a really sweet guy and don't deserve to be kicked from your safe haven by a bitchy blog queen. If it turns out that Prez is full of shit, I wouldn't be too upset if you beat him up to get even. Either way, I still think you're awesome!

The God I Know

Last spring a coworker and I were talking about views that people tend to have on life based on what they interpreted from the Bible. He lent me a book called Sins of Scripture by John Shelby Spong and told me that I would probably enjoy it. I didn't get around to reading it until last week and only then because my co-worker has started asking for his book back.

I only read the section of the book where Spong talks about homosexuality, but after doing so I placed a request on the book from the library because now I want to read the whole thing. For the topic of homosexuality, Spong addressed the verses most commonly used to promote homophobia and verse by verse explains how such views of them are groundless. While these ideas have been written about and debated before, I really enjoyed Spong's take on the verses and his commentary.

I was also struck by his views of the Bible. In the section I read, Spong goes to great lengths to explain how and why those verses might have been written. The book of Leviticus was written for an exiled Jewish community as a guide for how to keep themselves separate from the Babylonians with whom they lived at the time, hence all the diatery and other laws that Christians (who so frequently point to Levitical laws on homosexuality) don't themselves follow.

He also addressed the story of Sodom but, unlike the Christians who often point to that as a reason why God hates fags, he shows the entire story in context. He explains the practices of ALL cities at the time regarding visitors to a city who aren't immediately taken into a home for shelter (there weren't hotels at the time because traveling was so dangerous) and how the people of that town would proceed to humiliate them sexually. He also questions why an all-knowing God would need to send scouts to a city in the first place to determine if there are enough righteous souls worthy of saving that city from destruction. Wouldn't He already know? Furthermore, he questions why Lot, who offered up his virgin daughters for gang-rape in place of the angel scouts was considered a righteous man and spared from the later destruction of the city. Why were his daughters, who later slept with their father to bear children were spared as righteous. Far more questions are raised than answered when the FULL story is examined rather than just a small part.

Finally, Spong looks at "homophobic Paul." I had heard the theory before that Paul was a closeted homosexual, but to this notion, Spong also suggests that Paul was a fundamentalist and fanatic follower of Scripture and his reason for including his verses on homosexuality were because he was wrestling with his own homosexual feelings and what he had always believed he had been taught through Scripture. He would have been well aware of the Leviticus laws and would have been horrified to see this in himself, so the only way he could deal with it was by condeming it. To me, this is like a senator condeming gays and fighting hard against gay rights and then being found seeking gay sex in an airport bathroom. Or a mayor fighting hard against gay rights and then finding himself in a controversy where he offered governmental positions to young men in exchange for sex with them. Just how credible are their condemnations of homosexuality now?

Shortly after reading this section of Spong's book, I was watching The Colbert Report and learned about Conservative Bible Project, a recent project of some conservative Christians hoping to change the Bible as we know it. Their goals are to remove all the Liberal propoganda put into current translations of the Bible. I once heard a woman on Montel Williams rave about something similar. She kept praising her black Bible which told her that white people are the enemy and are hated by God.

These two things have really gotten my thinking about the God I grew up worshiping. I have said before (and frankly, it's kind of obvious) that I was a Christian before I knew I was gay. Oh sure, there were signs I should have noticed very early on in my life. But the one thing I always knew from the moment I was baptized was the existence of God and his Son and their work in my life.

I have always believed that God exists because I see the miracles all around me and they are enough to convince me. Lately, though, I have found myself not going to church. I have found my talks with God to occur less and less. In wondering why this is happening, I have blamed this on my prolonged struggle with my sexuality. I keep hearing about the tyrant God who seems to hate everyone! This God of Love that I sung about in Sunday School is starting to be described by sign-weilding fanatics as a monster who throws a tantrum if He doesn't get His way. If I continue to be gay, then He will send me to the fiery depths of Hell.

This God that the Right-wing Christians love to speak for is not the God I grew up loving. The God I have always known saved my mother from meninjitis and, the year before that, from a very nasty spider bite. He is the God whose loving touch created things like puppy dogs and spectacular sunsets. The God I grew up loving doesn't hate.

Frankly, I don't think that the right-wing Christians who claim to be the spokespeople for God are what they claim at all. I think they are completely missing God's mission of Love. As they march around with their WWJD bracelets, they do exactly what Jesus would never do. Would Jesus kill doctors who perform abortions? Would Jesus have rudely picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepard or soldiers who died fighting in a war? They are so driven by their hate that they are blinded to the real Message. They remind me of certain terrorists who took over planes and flew them into towers and the Pentagon eight years ago.

Thankfully, I know that not all Christians are this way. I have found many churches that don't agree with this picture of a hateful God. They are accepting of everyone and more in tune with God's Message. Those are the kinds of people I want to be hanging out with!

I just need to get my lazy ass to their church on Sundays!

*Sigh*

Pathetic

Today, I had an all day chorus rehearsal and for lunch, a friend, Jeff, and I walked to Westlake Center for lunch. On our trip back, we passed by a group of four or five people holding up poster-sized pictures of President Obama on which they had stenciled mustaches resembling Hitler's. As we passed by them, I was quietly commenting to my friend that those people were very disturbing and then I turned around and added "...and pathetic!" so they could hear.

Now, I don't think it is a big surprise that I was not a fan of George W. Bush. I think he did a fantastic job of ruining this country and I think that the Republicans are trying to put that blame on our current president. Never, in the four years of that terrible presidency, did I have a desire to stand on a street corner holding a picture of him with a Hitler-like mustache. It would just be too pathetic.

I saw many people protesting Bush's decision to take us into a war, but not once did I see anything as offensive as what I saw today. The man was made fun of because he said really crazy things. Jokes were made about him questioning his intelligence and status as an effective president. But I honestly don't remember ever seeing anything as disturbing as what I saw today and I have marched in a gay pride parade past closed-minded bigots with signs declaring that there is a place for me in Hell because God hates me. I think that what I saw today was way more disturbing than "God Hates Fags!" signs. Those people are foolishly claiming to be the Voice of God by holding up those signs and I fully believe they will have to answer for that after they die (if they even make it to Heaven) and they are doing their best to ruin a fabulous parade. But we fags can march right past those pathetic morons and pretend that they aren't even there.

But how can you walk past pathetic cretins who are holding up signs that pictorially depict the President of the United States as one of the worst criminals, murderers and bigots in the history of the world? I mean seriously! What in the name of everything good and holy in this world can justify comparing Obama to Hitler? How is that comparison even seriously considered? Is the creation of an unpopular health care plan REALLY up there with the murder of millions of Jews and an attempt at world domination? Okay, so President Obama called Kanye West a jackass. Kanye West IS a jackass! Does that make President Obama Hitler? Seriously, I really want to know what makes these pathetic morons compare our President with Hitler. 'Cause I just do not see the connection!

Those people I saw today are pathetic. Yeah, yeah...freedom of speech, yadda yadda... But no doubt about it, those people are pathetic.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker...please take your time...

This week, I had the mother of all Fiddler on the Roof moments. Remember that part in the show where the two sisters dream of the Matchmaker Yenta bringing them a handsome husband? The first part of that song is all about the dreamy men they are sure will be matched with them.

That was me on Monday. My friend from work Liz came to me, buzzing with excitement. There is a new guy at work who is gay and he had ridden along on her route. Our district does that with new drivers. It gives them a chance to understand how routes work and helps them build experience of driving a bus with children. As she did with me, Liz asked him if he was gay and then proceeded to tell him all about me. ALL ABOUT ME - including my many faults!

I had gone to a special needs training class at the beginning of the school year where I had met this new guy and he remembered who I was (and claimed that I had been shamelessly flirting with him during that meeting). He told Liz that I am "his type" and so the gears in Liz's head began formulating a plan to get him doing a ride-along on my bus. That afternoon I was told that he would be riding on my route Tuesday morning. Damn, Liz is good!

All I could think about Monday night was the potential. I went to the SMC rehearsal and told everyone who would listen about the "date". I was really nervous and excited about the next day. That night I worked on what I was going to wear and how early I'd need to get up to get ready.

Back to Fiddler on the Roof. As the Matchmaker song continues, the older sister enters and suddenly brings harsh reality to the dreams of her sisters. With glee she dons an old scarf and describes two very unattractive men that Matchmaker Yenta could find for them. Suddenly, the attitude of her sisters change and they sing about how they'll be happy to wait for their turn at Matchmaker Roulette.

When I arrived at work and met T, the very first thing he did was (barely) look up from his cell phone and say "You're late." I was actually three minutes early, but whatever. For the next 2 hours, I was treated to every criticism that bitchy queen wanted to throw at me.

He didn't like the way I drive. He didn't like the route I took when picking up the students or driving back from the school. He told me that since I'm a writer I'm probably unorganized and messy and that would drive him crazy (since he makes Monica from Friends look like a slob!). He would NEVER set foot in my apartment because I have pet rats. He thinks I am paying too much for rent and should move somewhere cheaper (or better yet, have better financial stability to buy my own house). He couldn't believe I don't have a car. He thought I should dress better. I don't carry myself very well. I should work harder and make more money. When I told him what car I used to drive he scoffed and told me there was no way he ever would have ridden in my car. The criticisms went on and on.

On top of it all, he kept telling me that I should have more confidence in myself... Despite all the criticisms he kept throwing at me.

At one point he had asked me my shoe size and was amazed when I told him I wear a size 13. When I parked my bus, he asked to see my hand, did a bit of measuring against his own and then smiled at me and said "You're well hung."

Despite all of that, I still approached the subject of dating with him. He told me it wouldn't happen because we work together now. I'm guessing a lot of his other criticisms factored into that as well. The more I thought about it as the day went on, the more glad I was that he said that. Dating him would have been disastrous and a relationship with him would be impossible. We left things with the open possibility for friendship.

Once again I find myself thinking it's impossible for me to ever find love. My experiences in searching for a relationship have been met with more and more guys like the one mentioned above. I think gay guys (myself included) are too critical. Somehow there are some who make it work and I applaud them, but I have no clue how they managed to not only find someone for a relationship, but figured out how to keep in that relationship.

As for me, I find myself taking one more step closer to becoming that bitter cynic who hates the candy and Hallmark-pushed Valentine's Day. I can't help but see myself becoming a bitter old queen sitting in the back of a movie theater loudly complaining about plot holes and unbelievably every time I see a romantic comedy.

Maybe I've just been single too long that the concept of having romance in my life is now just too scary. Maybe there wasn't even anything wrong with the guy I met yesterday. Maybe I was the one being too critical of him.

If I remember correctly, even the two sisters from Fiddler on the Roof eventually found love. Sheesh, how boringly predictable!

No Hablo Ingles

There is a new song out there that has really started to baffle me. Actually, it's not the song so much as the response. I first heard it this morning on a local radio station. From time to time they will do a "music test" where they play a song and then have listeners chime in as to whether or not they should keep playing the song. Today's music test was from the upcoming Bowling for Soup album Sorry For Partyin'. The song is called No Hablo Ingles. Here's a video of the song so you can hear what it's about.



Okay, so that's the song. Unfortunately, I only heard the last bit of it each time it was played this morning, but I kept hearing the responses to it. At first people commented that it was catchy and really funny. Then different calls started coming in. "It is offensive!" "It makes fun of Mexicans" "The song is politically incorrect!" the criticism went on. After the second attempt to test the song, the DJs guessed that maybe 80% of those who called in thought it was offensive and racist.

Intrigued, I found the video on youtube and listened to it. I gotta be honest... I think most of the people who think this song is offensive missed the point. I don't think Bowling for Soup is making fun of Mexicans or Spanish speakers. If anything they are making fun of themselves by shamefully playing on a stereotype and saying "when we are too lazy to do something, we take advantage of this cliche." At least that's how I view the song. Maybe if I was latino I would think differently.

Last night, I was chatting with a latino online and so when he logged on tonight I sent him the link and asked what he thought of the song. Did he think it was offensive? I waited for about eight minutes and then he just logged off without saying anything. That really blew me away. I mean, if I truly pissed him off (or if the song did) I was expecting him to lash out about it, not just log off without saying anything.

I've been a fan of Bowling for Soup for awhile now and I was thrilled to hear they have a new album coming out. I....ahem.....uh.....did something bad today and...well...needless to say, I now have the whole album and I think it is fantastic! There are some really funny songs on it. One in particular is called BFFF and it is about a guy proclaiming love for his best friend in a "totally heterosexual way." I laugh every time I hear the song.

Again, I don't know if I'm just blinded to the racism of this song because I like the group and I'm not Latino so I wouldn't understand. To me, the song is only offensive if you decide to be offended by it.

So, is the song offensive? Comment and let me know!

Working for a livin', taking what they're givin'

I had a busy weekend.

I've already blogged about the craziness of Friday and Saturday; at least what had happened up until that point. Saturday night I drove the trip that was actually scheduled to me. Myself and another driver (L) were scheduled to take a specific team home (1 of 4). Before we had arrived at the stadium in Seattle, we got a call that the "guy in charge" (a coach for the high school in our district - NOT our boss) wanted us to take another team home and have the two drivers already there take home a team that wanted to leave right then.

When L and I arrived at the stadium, the other team had not yet come out to the buses so L and I dialogued with the two other drivers, both of whom were above us in seniority. Lynn and I abstained to their decision since they were above us. From what L and I both saw, they elected to drive our team back to the hotel, leaving us to stay for the other team. L and I ended up getting another hour of work since the team we had now been given stayed until the end of the game (they were watching, not playing).

Then on Sunday I got a call around 10:10am that a second bus had been added at the last minute and I was offered the job. Since I live across the street from work I was able to get to the hotel with a bus within 20 minutes. As I drove the trip, I knew that an issue would come of this because there are 34 people ahead of me in seniority who would have loved those two hours of overtime pay. I was more than grateful to get that work!

This morning I went in to work and talked with J in dispatch about the weekends events. I particularly told her about the errand I ran when the guy called me on Saturday. She agreed with me that I should get paid for that since I was doing work for the district. Now our contract has a policy that any work you do, no matter what the length is, will be paid no less than 2 hours.

After driving my route, I went back in and talked with her more about what was going to happen. The first thing I discovered is that those two drivers who elected to go back on Saturday with the team belonging to L and me were complaining that we got more hours. I told her exactly what happened in the conversation from the perspective of L and me. We both made it clear that we had lower seniority and left the decision up to them. They elected to leave. According to J in dispatch, this was not the story she had gotten.

I also talked to my boss about my little unscheduled Saturday errand. He doesn't want to pay me for it!! According to him, what I should have done was called someone and told them what was going on. Apparently, they don't want me to try and fix a situation like that (and potentially save the district some embarrassment) unless I have been authorized to do that. Can you believe that shit? He said he was going to talk to dispatch and the coach in charge of this whole mess (the one who screwed up!) to see if I should be paid. I have a sneaky suspicion what the coach's feelings on that will be. He won't want to get charged for my help!

Thankfully, my union rep has a much different take on this situation. "Tough shit!" her words. I was trying to help the district and I should get paid. Granted, I thought I had screwed up and that's why I ran to base, but once there, I continued to try and fix the problem by running down to my bus, turning it on and getting on the radio to make sure the drivers responsible for that trip had actually shown up. The lesson I am getting for the district now is that when they want my help I should tell them to shove off and not offer to help them. That's complete bullshit.

Another issue I am dealing with involves my Friday schedule. I have an out-of-district route and one of my schools is not going on Friday. However, one of them is and I have one student from that school. But rather than pay me as they should, the district would rather put her on another bus and pay that driver since he's above me in seniority. Again with the bullshit! I don't think it's right that I get shorted hours just because they don't want to pay me.

Though I am a worker who always shows up on time, do what I am supposed to do and have students and parents who think I am a really good driver (and, I would think, a value to the district), I'm getting the impression that the district really doesn't care about me at all.

Catching up

Yikes. I haven't blogged about anything in a week.

Last weekend I went to the Puyallup Fair with my former roommate. Essentially, I wanted to experience three things: The Weird Al Yankovic 3D movie about the human brain, an a capella group called The Coats, and a fantastic ride called Extreme Scream. I did do all three things!


As a longtime fan of Weird Al, I was excited when I heard about his exhibit at the fair. It was at the Puyallup Fair that I saw his concert two years ago - a concert, I might add, that was one of the best I have ever experienced! Before the movie, you are handed a pair of glasses (and a wet wipte for steralization) as you walk into a room with many facts about the brain. The only problem with this is that they cram everyone into the room for the next show so you really can't read many of the facts unless you ask someone to move over. As more and more people are crammed into the room it becomes less and less possible to read anything.

Right about the time I started getting antsy, the lights dimmed and overhead a parody of 50's educational movies started. It was a great tongue-in-cheek parody typical of Weird Al. The movie itself was corny, but really funny. It reminded me a lot of Weird Al's show. The format is set up as a Q&A with Al answering video questions. At one point, a boring Dr is turned into a clever owl and, of course, many opportunities for shameless 3D effects are employed. At the end, Al launches into an original song about the brain. It is fast-passed and frantic at times, making it hard to catch all of what he is singing. It would have been great if they'd added subtitles with a bouncing brain so we could get all the words.

I found myself humming part of the song after the show, but the memory of the tune didn't really last as long. I'm not trying to slam the exhibit in any way. I'll go see anything featuring Weird Al. As far as I'm concerned, the guy is a genius and I was glad I got to see the 3D film!


The Extreme Scream is a fair tradition for me. You've probably seen versions of this ride all over. It's a tall tower with a base of seats that gets rapidly shot up the tower. I've ridden other versions of this ride. What sets the Puyallup Fair's version apart is that you get both experiences. First, you're shot up the tower and you bounce a little. Then you are slowly lifted up to the top and it drops you. This is the first time I've been on a ride like this that gives you both elements. People think I'm crazy for going on it, but you just can't beat the rush this ride gives!


I also went to all three concerts performed by a group called The Coats. I can't say enough about these guys! They are SO talented! After the first show I bought four of their CDs and got them autographed. While talking to the guys I was encouraged to come back for their other shows. The 2nd Tenor Jamie promised that each show would feature a different set of songs. How could I pass that up? If you ever hear about anything having to do with The Coats, check whatever it is out. You won't be disappointed.

My only other fair experiences revolved around the hypnotist Travis Fox. More accurately, the experience revolved around one of the people he hypnotized. At the first show was a volunteer named Junior. For that show, Fox had him perform as Aretha Franklin to the track Respect. The guy was awesome! At the end of that show, Fox asked Junior's family if he could hypnotize Junior to come back for the next show. Still in a hypnotized state, Junior was told that he would wake up thinking he had missed the show. He would have no recollection of having been in it, but at 6:55, he would feel an urge to return and try to catch the 7:00 show. He was told to walk up on the stage and sit in a chair when Fox called for volunteers.

Sure enough, my friends and I got excited when we saw Junior enter the concert area. At first he raised his hand but wasn't called on. Then he suddenly stood up and walked up to the stage. It took awhile for Fox to recognize Junior, but when he did, he had him peform as Michael Jackson to a Billy Jean track. Once again the guy was awesome! He even jumped off the stage and danced with a young girl from the audience. Once again, Fox asked if Junior could return for the 9pm show and repeated his suggestions from before.

My friends and I had planned to leave but with the promise of more Junior, we decided to stick around. Junior's family ended up stting in front of me and I struck up a conversation with them. They told me that Junior had been shown pictures and video of his other performances, but repeatidly told them he'd missed the show! They also told me that he is a dance instructor which explains his awesome moves from the first two shows.

This time, when Junior entered the stage area, he received a standing ovation! He looked at all of us like we were nuts...and we probably were. When the show started he once again walked on stage and ended up being featured at the end as one of four divas from the song Lady Marmalade from the movie Moulin Rouge.

Other than that, the previous week was uneventful. It just felt so long, but I think that's because I'm actually working 8 hours every week. Okay, okay, some of you are thinking "Uh...yeah...welcome to the real world!" Well this is the first year I've actually gotten guarenteed hours like this. They actually added two hours a week to my route due to it running long in the evenings. So now I'm done at 5pm. Now figure that my morning clock in is 5:45 and you can see why my day feels so long! My route just feels SO long! I do a lot of driving during the day and with the added trouble brought on by the autistic girl, I feel drained at the end of each day.

Last night, I signed for a trip, but since I get 39 hours a week now, I had to put next to my name +40 to let them know that they'd be paying me overtime. Essentially this means that should no one else want to do it, I could actually get the trip and get paid time and a half for it. This rarely happens, yet last night they called me as I was finishing my route and told me I got the trip. Suddenly I felt very rushed! I raced home to grab something for dinner (which didn't amount to much) and then raced down to the bus lot to start up a bus.

The whole thing ended up being VERY confusing! Whoever requested these trips for the week really screwed up. There were already three other buses at the site trying to pick up other groups and no one seemed to know who was going where. By the time I arrived, some of the coaches were understandably a little surly. The team I ended up driving was really awesome, though. Those poor guys were all crammed into my bus like sardines. In an effort to save money, they were dropped to one bus. I had guys practically hanging off the edge of seats in the aisle.

Today the madness continued. I was awarded a Saturday trip which is VERY rare! All Saturday trips pay time and a half. Last night I checked to make sure what my clock in was before leaving. Today, I got a call at 2:20 asking me why I wasn't there to pick up the football team. I told him that I have the return trip and then panicked. Did I screw up??

I rushed across the street to work and thankfully discovered that I wasn't one of the two drivers who was supposed to pick up the team. I am on the return trip later tonight. I still had to run down to my bus and call the drivers on the radio to make sure they had picked up the team. It turns out that the guy who called me wasn't even a coach. He had recieved a text that the buses hadn't shown up. By the time he called me, the team had been picked up and was on the way to the stadium. He had only called me because he had my number as a driver, but he didn't know ...well...much of anything.

On Monday I'm going to ask them if they'll pay me for the running around I did today. I think it's only fair! I was essentially doing someone else's job. I was the one running around in a panic for 30 minutes trying to make things right and I hadn't even done anything wrong! It's a good thing (for my boss) that I live so close to work...and that I had been home at all. I was actually starting to get ready for a trip to the library (which still hasn't happened).

I did continue watching a video I rented from the library called Heckler. It's a film my Jamie Kennedy about people who yell out at comics. Midway through the documentary, the focus shifted to movie critics. As I watched it became apparent to me that Jamie Kennedy takes critique too seriously. His opinion is that movie critics are not entitled to their opinions. He ends up taking what they say personally and, to a degree, I can see where he is coming from. Some of the things they say are personal and don't belong in a movie review. But he also takes it personally when one of them says he isn't funny. He claims they don't have a right to say that, but the way I see it, they have every right to say that about his performance because that's what they are being paid to do. If they don't find him funny in the movie, then it's something they should put in their review. At least that's how I feel about it.

In the film, Jamie Kennedy confronts several critics and asks them why they hate him. Most of them said they didn't hate him, they hated his performance. To me, that's a valid opinion, but Jamie takes it personally.

I thought Kennedy was great in the Scream movies. But later he started making movies about his characters from the Jamie Kennedy Project that just weren't funny! Son of the Mask was terrible, but not because of Jamie Kennedy. It was just a poorly written movie that took the rules previously established in the Jim Carey movie and threw them out the window.

At the end, during the credits, they interview Jamie's father who says "He's never been able to take criticism. He can dish it out, but he can't take it." That pretty much summed up the documentary for me. If you're going to be a comic or an actor or a filmmaker or even a writer, you need to be prepared for criticism. If you think about it, a comic dishes his own critiques, though. I've seen Jamie Kennedy's stand up and like most comics he makes fun of people. His observations could be called critiques, can't they? They are his opinions of people and he is sharing them to get a laugh. Why then is it so hard for him to take criticism back?

Another thing that bothered me about the documentary was the fact that many of the people interviewed were attacking critics as though they have no right to voice their opinions. Many times, those interviewed for the documentary said things like "They don't make movies so what right do they have to attack what we make?" Frankly, I think they have every right. Even if someone doesn't know how to make a movie (or doesn't have the financial backing to make one) doesn't mean they don't have the right to know what they think is good or what is bad. I've never made a movie, but I know when I am watching something that is poorly written or acted. As long as a person is able to intelligently explain what it was they didn't like about a movie I think they have every right to do so. Isn't that what America is all about?

Look at me pretending to be a movie critic! LOL. I suppose I should expect a visit from Jamie Kennedy, now. Jamie, if you're reading this, I don't hate you. Just haven't been crazy about many of your movies. Sorry, dude!

Unbearable Doubt

Last Sunday, I was actually excited. I was taking a chance on a new aspect of my job, believing that I would be able to rise to the challenge.

Four days later I am laying around my apartment feeling sorry for myself.

The past two days have brought more challenges to me than the past six years total. I have faced hectic traffic conditions into schools, a school bus full of excited children, parents who think they know better than me how their child should behave on my bus, even an accident or two.

Today, I saw something that shoved all of those experiences into a file marked: Whatever.

But first, here's what happened yesterday.

The morning portion of my route doesn't start until next week, so I have been subbing another driver's morning route. The children on this route are in a program called "Cascade" which is designed for children who have behavior issues that make it hard for them to ride a larger school bus full of children. I have actually been able to handle those kids, though there was some drama on my bus yesterday.

One of the boys was having a difficult time staying in his seat. He would lean into the aisle to talk to another student. I found myself constantly reminding him what he should be doing to safely ride the bus, but my recommendations went ignored. About half-way through the route, as I was driving on slightly curving road, I heard the boy cry out as he fell out of his seat and onto the floor. He just lay there crying. I was finally able to find a place to pull over and go back to see what happened. He had decided to put his feet up on his seat and his knees inside his shirt. The bumping of the bus caused him to lose his balance and he fell out of the seat and onto his head.

The only good thing to come out of this was that he stayed in his seat for the rest of the ride. It was the ultimate object lesson! I had to keep calling back to him to make sure he was awake - fearing the whole time that the boy had a concussion. At school I told the teacher what happened and she promised to make sure he was okay. I had to fill out an incident report once I got back to base.

And yet, that was the easiest part of my day. That afternoon I met, for the first time, the female high school student about which I have been so heavily warned. She's a heavily autistic girl who had a reputation for being physically violent toward staff. Another driver told me how she came at him with a broom. She rode my bus for the first time yesterday and though I was completely scared the whole time, it went well. She stayed in her seat, buckled in. The entire time she yelled out questions. Apparently, her only voice level is ultra loud. Several times she saw a house and asked me who lived there. She yelled about every bus we passed. She yelled about every car we passed. She yelled about how the others on the bus were being too loud for her taste.

My ears were ringing by the time we got to her stop, but at least she had stayed in her seat. I had been warned that if I didn't answer her questions then it would make her angry and unpredictable, so by the time we got to her stop I was mentally exhausted. Oh, and of course her mom wasn't at the stop to pick her up. I called to base and was told that they had, in fact, been trying to call me since I left the school. I couldn't hear them because I had a very loud passenger on my bus whose mom was back at the school. Fortunately, her mom pulled up about thirty seconds after we arrived, which was great because we were blocking a lane on one of the busiest streets in town. Of course, this woman was in NO hurry! She drove up to her parking spot, parked her car and calmly walked back to the street where I had, by then, been waiting almost three minutes - blocking a lane of traffic. She barely thanked me as her daughter got off the bus.

Today, I was told that this girl REALLY needs to have a safety vest that literally buckles her to the seat. Without it, she has the potential to jump out of her seat and attack the driver or another student. When I arrived for my route this afternoon, they asked me if I had a safety vest and I told them I did. I had gotten one yesterday and knew that it was still in my bus.

When I arrived at the school, I went back to the pocket where I had put the vest and it was gone. I then had the embarrassing task of calling into base and telling them that I was, in fact, without a safety vest, even though they had asked me before leaving. I KNOW that I put one in my bus yesterday. The only explanation I could come up with was that someone had gone into my bus and taken it because they needed it. It's happened before.

Another driver at the school had an extra one, but it was a medium, not a large. Unfortunately, the girl is a very largely built black girl. The moment she saw the vest she started screaming. She hit the teachers and began running up and down the aisle of the bus screaming at the top of her lungs. The other kids on the bus had such a look of horror on the bus. I did as well. Five school employees were on my bus trying to get the vest onto this girl. They finally got it on but it was too small for her and the more she struggled, the more it came off. She screamed, she hit the staff, she hit the window. She almost hit another student.

I called into base and was told that obviously she couldn't ride if she is acting violent like that. The head of the special needs program at the school came onto the bus and offered to ride with her if I could bring him back after my run. Somehow the staff was able to get her calmed down and actually into the vest. Don't ask me how. With a blessing from dispatch, we left the school.

Thankfully there were no more incidences. However, I got a call from dispatch asking me to remind the girls mother that she still has two safety vests that belong to the district that she doesn't seem to want to return. It was my task to remind her to bring them both of them to school tomorrow.

I should probably mention some of the horror stories I have heard about the mother. She usually takes the girl to school in the morning without a vest and then blames the school bus driver in the afternoon. She often is not at the girl's stop to meet her daughter as she is supposed to be. When she finally shows up and is reminded of the bus stop time, she gets angry, hits the side of the bus and yells curses at the bus driver. Everything that happens is the staff's fault, not hers. She has been like this ever since the girl started riding buses in our district.

So now I was worried about how I was going to confront this woman about the two district vests we needed returned. Fortunately, the mother was not at the stop. Instead, it was her boyfriend who knew nothing of the vests but promised to take it up with the girl's mother. Frankly, I am not holding out much hope.

For the first time in my career as a bus driver I am scared to death to go to work. I keep having visions of an angry autistic girl coming at me while I'm driving and our bus rolling over into a ditch as a result. What the HELL have I gotten myself into? Four days into the school year and I am already wishing it was June! I have never dreaded going into work and now I am wondering if I should suddenly develop a cold tomorrow - and have it last the next 176 working days.

I don't know if I can handle this!

Oh, now about the mystery of the disappearing safety vest. Apparently yesterday afternoon, after I had gone home, the woman in charge of issuing them went down to everyone's bus and took out vests that were still in bags. Mine was because I hadn't yet used it. When I got back to base today, I was told that I should have "double checked for the vest" before leaving the lot. Okay, maybe I should have, but frankly I had no reason to think it wouldn't be there! I had put it in there yesterday and I am the only one who uses my bus. Why the hell would it NOT be there?? I ended up going and getting another one and it is currently in my backpack. I don't even want to let the thing out of my sight. I am mentally trying to think of hiding places on my bus...

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I hate that I am now dreading my job. I have always loved my job! In fact, I did get a bit of good news today. The kids on the routes I have had the past couple years were told by their current drivers that I said "hi" and they literally cheered when they heard my name! One of the routes actually called me legendary! Whatever, right?

So can a guy who loves his job one day, suddenly go to being a chickenshit, dreading it? Can one violent high school girl really have that much power? Right now, I feel this crushing weight of unbearable doubt pressing down on me. The thought of going into work tomorrow afternoon gives me the kind of heartburn I usually get after eating really bad junk food.

All the stress I had about last year's route now seems so laughable. Hell, I wish I could laugh about this year's stress, but right now, all I can do is worry. I have no idea how I am going to get through this year. I'm starting to worry that the stress of my route will cause me to drop out of yet another concert with the Seattle Men's Chorus. How can I face the stress this girl brings to my life and then go and rehearse for a show, get home late that night and then face an extremely early clock in - and the knowledge that I might have to face a violent girl once again.

I am not in a good place right now. Not at all...

I have even lost the excitement I've had about seeing the musical Wicked on Saturday. I have been looking forward to that all summer long, and now I'm worried that I won't even be able to enjoy it.

I HATE THIS!

Going Back - Going Forward

No, this isn't another blog about work starting up tomorrow. Though I've been at my apartment almost seven months now, there are still boxes I haven't gone through. It's ridiculous, I know and I don't really have a good excuse. I'm just lazy.

I did go through (and eliminated!) a box and found an old journal I wrote in June of 1994 when I graduated from high school. A couple weeks before I graduated I was forced to deal with the death of a friend. Her name was Marsha and she died at 38. This happened right after Memorial day because we had just gotten back from the annual Trinity Lutheran Church retreat at Lake Arrowhead in California.

During that retreat, my brother Matt and I became really close with Marsha. She rang bells with us in our church bell choir - The Jubellation choir. Get it? I remember that weekend really well. Marsha, Matt and I hung out a lot together during those few days. I remember sitting at a table outside the dining hall and just talking until late. We went to see the movie Maverick and laughed because a black smudge on the screen gave Mel Gibson a mole. Most eerie about that whole weekend was that Marsha drove me home that Monday. I needed to get back early due to work, but my parents were in charge of running things that weekend and had to stay until everyone left. Marsha offered to give me a ride home.

According to what I wrote in my journal, Marsha dropped me off at 3pm, called her mom at 4:30 and made lunch plans for the next day and was found dead on Wednesday. Later, I would be told that I was probably the last person she knew who saw her alive. Marsha's death really hit me hard. I started the journal the day I found out about her death and for pages, she is all I could write about. At one point I mentioned that my mom was worried because my journal seemed to be only about her. I guess in a way Mom was right - though why the hell did she read my journal? I go on for pages and pages about what I was feeling about her death and then talk briefly about my actual graduation day. It's like that milestone of my life was greatly overshadowed by her passing.

It was really weird going back and reading about my life back then. I read my thoughts from when I was 18 and cringe! I was SO immature back then. I guess I can blame that on my being a late bloomer. I tried my hand at awful poetry and I also had REALLY bad penmanship! I was also a major Jesus freak back then! HUGE, even! I talk a lot about God's plan and His will. I talk about him calling Marsha home to be with him and marvel at the sentiment that the pastor shared at her funeral - she had passed before the eyes of God.

I have lost a lot of that. Not the poor penmanship...I still have that. But I'm not nearly as spiritual as I once was. A lot of that has to do with my sexuality. Unfortunately, the two don't go hand in hand that well. Back then, I was in denial about being gay. I don't even mention it in the journal, though I am certain I was dealing with it. I think it's missing from those pages of my life because I was afraid that someone would find and read it. I know that I was aware of it back then, though. I just wasn't willing to accept it. Part of that must struggle must have come from my strong spiritual nature.

I imagine a confused 18-year-old boy at odds with himself. He has no clue where he's going to college - something that everyone else in his class had taken care of earlier in the year like he should have - yet he is willing to commit to the Columbia House CD club. He is a young man that bitches about a "witch in the Principal's office" who refused to give him graduation tickets early even though he is going to be on a field trip when they would be handed out later. Life seems so unfair to him. He hates his job as a janitor, cleaning the school owned by his church, and is thrilled when someone mentions that the bathrooms have never been cleaner.

His penmanship is sloppy and scribbled. It reminds me of what he must have been going through at the time. By legal standards, he's an adult. He can vote, but mentions that he forgot to go vote in the primary elections. Society sees him as an adult, but he seems so very young - so very unprepared for life. And worst of all, he seems clueless about a lot of things.

Fifteen years later, I hope that boy is more grown. His penmanship is still really sloppy, but now he journals on a computer so it doesn't really matter. It's not even called journaling - now it's called blogging. College is now a distant memory in that boy's life. Even in college, he seemed to have no direction. Decisions were made fleetingly, choices were haphazard.

Hopefully his writing has improved! He no longer writes bad poetry. Now he likes to write fiction, particularly about confused gay teens like he once was.

I think there is growth in him, though. He's no longer a scared gay teen. Now, he's comfortable about that part of his life. Some may see the shift from his once powerful spiritual life to an acceptance about his homosexuality as a perversion. Some may see that as a lack of growth - a step (or perhaps several steps) in the wrong direction.

I see the young man that scared teen boy became and I do see growth. He's a proud member of a gay chorus - one of the best in the nation! Okay...it seems he sometimes still brags. He is taking chances, now. He moved to an apartment closer to work and got rid of his car. It was a scary move, but he did it and he succeeded at it! He decided to try something different at work by taking a job he doesn't usually do. It was another scary move on his part, but he is boosted by the success of his recent move into thinking that he's made another right choice.

Does he screw up? Often. He's a bit heavier than he wants to be and doesn't do the things he should to get himself healthier. He is afraid of always being single, without a romantic partnership, yet he can't find the courage to go out and find someone to fill that void. As he was back in 1994, the young man is still very unorganized and sometimes sloppy. He is lazy and doesn't want to make the time to get his apartment in order even after seven months.

Will he ever find that strong spiritual side of him that was so strong back then? He might. In fact, I think that it is still in him but the nature of that spirit has been changed by the difficult differences he has faced between his sexuality and the views of the church where he grew up. He recognizes the lies he was told as a teen - the lies that made him so scared and confused - and he believes with all his heart that they were (and still are) indeed wrong.

He has done a lot of growing these past fifteen years, but he has a lot of growing yet to do. He's not a bad person, but he is far from perfect.

He is me and he is doing pretty damn good.

It starts...

Tomorrow is the big day. I purposely set my alarm this morning to wake me up at 7:00. I figure now is as good a time as any to get back into the schedule of bus driving. Thankfully, my early-morning 5:45 clock in does not start this week. My whole morning run consists of picking up those three hard of hearing students and driving them to Edmonds Woodway High school north of Seattle. Since that school district doesn't start until after labor day, my morning run doesn't go next week.

I had been assured that I would get morning work for the week anyway. Sure enough, I got a call on Friday with some options. Since I have a route and seniority number, I get first pick ahead of all the on call drivers. Initially I chose a job as an overfill bus which consisted of sitting around in the lower lot waiting to be called if drivers need help on their morning runs. Joan, one of our faithful dispatchers, told me that I'd definitely do that on Monday and Tuesday, but most likely be driving a route the last three days of the week.

In the end, I decided to just take the route the entire week for consistency. If I'm going to have to learn it anyway, I might as well struggle through it the first couple days and be a pro at it the rest of the week. Besides, I figure being an overfill bus would be challenging anyway because they'd call me and tell me where to go and I would just have to know exactly where that stop is they need covered. To me, even though I know the area fairly well, it sounded a little stressful.

Anyway, thanks to the morning work, I'll get a little closer to my usual hours this week; probably around 36 1/2 hours. Getting as much work these first two weeks is crucial! Our September 30th check tends to be terribly light due to only getting a couple weeks of work on it. This is why they offer us an attendance bonus at the end of August for the previous year. Once again I got the full $1000 bonus this year. I only missed the full bonus once my second year when my alarm clock failed to go off the last week of school one morning. $500 down the drain!

This year, I figure I'll get around $1200 on that low check so if I can save $600 of my bonus, I should be sitting nicely on financial stability for the month of October. A lot of people hate the concept of the bonus because it encourages people to come in sick when they might not be at their best for driving. Frankly, I have come to depend on the bonus to get me through the months of September and October every year and I'd definitely miss it. My only problem with the bonus is that it is put into our check before taxes. Who ever heard of getting taxed on a bonus?

I had been hearing rumors of a new driver being gay. I finally met him last Thursday at the special needs training class. All the new drivers were required to be at it, in case they are called to sub for a special needs route. I was sad to hear that all the newly hired drivers didn't get routes this year. All of them were placed in on-call positions. In fact, two drivers who had routes last year were told that they wouldn't be given routes this year! Can you imagine having a steady job and benefits one year and have them taken away the next? I'm glad I'm high enough in seniority that I don't have to worry about that!

I technically didn't need to go to the special needs training since I did a lot of those routes as midday work last year, including wheelchair tie downs. I went anyway because I wanted to get some advice on how to best to deal with autistic high schoolers. And to finally meet the new gay driver! Oh...and I got paid for the two hours...

The new guy seems to be a real ham! All the other new drivers would roll their eyes when he made a comment as though they had heard all his shenanigans before. To me, he comes across as a bitchy queen. He was definitely an attention whore! I doubt I could ever date the guy, though isn't that when you're most likely to date someone? At least that's how it seems to work in those romantic comedies. The pair most likely to hate each other at the beginning end up falling in love. Not that I hate the new guy at all! He's funny most of the time. He just isn't the kind of guy I'd see myself dating.

Plus, isn't there a VERY important rule about NOT dating co-workers? They tell me that about dating guys in the Seattle Men's Chorus, too. Should there be a terrible breakup, you have to see that person all the time. The thing that sucks about this is that it's just so stinking hard to meet other gay guys outside of work and the chorus! How am I supposed to meet the future love of my life? Of course, I could very well be blogging about a future date with that new driver in a couple months. Who knows...?

I still haven't gotten any news about the Wicked contest! I guess they are still reading entries. That means that they got a fair amount. Ugh, more competition! I am confident that my entry was really good. Those who read it liked it and declared it a good shot for a winner. I'm hoping I find out this next week. In any case, I still have the ticket that I bought and will be seeing the show on Saturday! I can't wait!

"Here's your sign" - Episode 1 - Utah Governor Herbert

I have decided to start a new ongoing series on my blog. I prefer not to call it a "copy" of Bill Engval's brilliant "Here's your sign" routine. For legal reasons, lets call it a "tribute". That being said, I bring to you the first installment in my new ongoing series.

Here's Your Sign - Episode 1

Utah Governor Herbert: Discrimination Against Gays Should Be Legal

Utah Governor Gary Herbert, who took over for moderate Governor Jon Huntsman after Huntsman resigned to become Ambassador to China, has spoken out against anti-discrimination laws which include sexual orientation:

"In his most definitive comments yet on gay rights, Herbert told reporters he doesn't believe sexual orientation should be a protected class in the way that race, gender and religion are. 'We don't have to have a rule for everybody to do the right thing. We ought to just do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and we don't have to have a law that punishes us if we don't,'Herbert said in his first monthly KUED news conference. In Utah, it is legal to fire someone for being gay or transgender. The gay rights advocacy group Equality Utah has been trying to change state law for several years but has always been rebuffed by the Republican-controlled Legislature. Last year, the group got Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman's support for extending some rights to gay people, although none of the bills it backed became law."

Unfortunately, that's why we have anti-bias laws. Because people don't do the right thing.

WOW - this guy strikes me as a genuine idiot. Do you suppose Utah has any laws regarding discrimination against people who are dumbasses?

Luck be a....very attractive gay man

I have recently discovered a new vice. Correction: I have discovered a new vice and rediscovered an old one.

Last month, a coworker and I were talking about a new casino that has opened up east of Seattle near Snoqualmie Falls. Appropriately titled Snoqualmie Casino, it's a twenty minute drive from work (about 30 from Seattle). The coworker offered to drive me out to this new casino so I could check it out and she promised to give me a free buffet through the points she has accumulated on her membership card.

When I got there, the first thing I did was sign up for a membership. Finally, card in hand, I was let loose among the beeping and flashing slot machines. I am a fan of slot machines. Cheerfully they entice you into their rolling-wheeled world with bonus games and wild symbols. One game I was particularly fond of had a picture of Sally the Shrimp Catcher in the corner and if you touched her she would giggle and say "That tickles!" Quite erotic, to be sure, but it just made me giggle...and press her more.

That first trip to the casino saw me losing $20, but I discovered the wonderful buffet that they have to offer. Not only do they have a Mongolian BBQ set up (the food was a fair bit blander than my favorite restaurant, Changs) but their salad bar has everything to offer that I like putting on my salad - including the honey mustard dressing. Oh! And don't get me started on the cascading chocolate fountain that, when poured over ice cream, hardens. Heavenly!

A couple weeks ago, I received a flyer from the casino in the mail with a couple coupons. The first was for $30 from the casino. I kid you not! You simply take the coupon to the cashier and walk away with $30! The second coupon was for a free buffet. So, I enticed my coworker to take another trip to the casino by reminding her that tonight was "triple points night".

After getting my $30, I started looking around for my favorite slot machines from my last visit. Party Bonus started eating my money right away. After I'd lost a couple dollars, I cashed out and went to Sally the Shrimper. I had a little more luck there. Right off the bat, I got a bonus game and won $10. I was starting to enjoy myself when a woman sat down next to me and lit a cigarette. Time to move.

I made my way to the non-smoking section where I found a new slot called Richville USA. Before I knew it, I was up to $30! Keep in mind that I was still playing with the first $10 I had put in the first machine. When you cash out, you get a ticket that can be played on any other slots. It was time to meet up with my coworker so we could attack the buffet. YUMMY!

I told Sherrie (my coworker) about the Richville USA slot and we both went to play after filling our tummies. She put in $20 and within 15 minutes was up to $60. My $30 went up and down but I was discovering that this game, though lacking cute little bonus games, was still a really good payer.

My method for playing is setting a limit for loss. Say I have $30 in the machine. When it gets down to $25, I cash out and move on. There were several times that I'd get close to $25 and then I'd get 10 free spins and win $10. It was SO much fun!

I moved around to other games. Kiss the Frog was a lot of fun and I got both the bonus games on that one. I went back to Sally the Shrimper and at one point was up to around $50. I still was playing on the $10 I put in when I first arrived. Sally started being mean to me (despite how many times I tickled her) so I moved on. I went back to Richville USA and was soon up to $60. I started losing, though, and after about 45 minutes I was down to $48. Still, I thought I was doing pretty good.

I searched the slots until I found Sherrie to see how she was doing. She was down to her last $17 but seemed to still want to play. I found a new machine, something with an America theme and added a little to my score. A couple other slots eventually got me down to $40. I was about to go back to Sherrie, sure that my winning streak was over when I heard maniacal giggling from a slot machine called Wild Coyote. It just looked like too much fun. I figured even if I blew the $40 I had, I still had the $20 from the casino that I hadn't even touched all night. I'd still call that a win.

I played Wild Coyote a little and was doing okay. At least I wasn't losing. Suddenly, I hit 5 sombreros in a wow and one $16! Then I hit something else and won $5, then another $5 on a bonus game! Suddenly I was sitting on $66! I started losing and set my downhill cap at $60 which is when I pulled out. I still can't believe it! I made $60! Well, $80 if you count the $20 in my pocket, which I do! After cashing out, I handed Sherrie $20 to thank her for driving me out to the casino.

On top of that, I also noticed that over the course of the night, I had earned 680 points. 200 points will get me a free buffet. Now, the buffet costs $22, so if I have earned 3 buffets, I'm going to go ahead and call that $146! I was there four hours so lets just say I made $36.5 an hour tonight!

Okay, okay, don't worry. I'm not addicted to gambling. Actually if I really want to be accurate, I should factor in the $20 I lost the first time I went. Still.... $126? That's pretty nice. Now I realize that I won't always have nights like that, but even the first time when I was losing, I was having a blast! And as long as I have enough points for a free buffet, I'll always consider myself a winner.

Besides, I always go to the casino with a set $ amount in mind and when the money is gone, then I'm done. If Sherrie is still playing I watch her have fun.

And I can always walk by Sally the Shrimper and tickle her.