Do you ever have one of those nights where something is picking at you and you can't sleep until you talk about it? Me, too! So here goes...
I met a 20 year old guy in a gay chat room several weeks ago. Now, before you go harping on me about "robbing the cradle" or asking if his "mommy is aware of my intentions" let me put all that to rest and say that I am well aware exactly how little I have in common with a 20 year old. There is NO way I could ever date one or even think about a future with one.
Once we were having a conversation and he told me that he'd just gotten back from playing a drinking game with some buddies of his. He said he hoped that one day he and I could play the drinking game and I told him that I don't drink. While he tried to ponder how I could be such a prude, I tried to remember if I ever had the stamina to play a drinking game late into the night and then show up for work the next day even when I was twenty!
Surprisingly, the guy likes me and is interested in meeting and (wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles) actually lives near me. But the more I chat with him, the less interested I am in him - no matter how attractive he is or how amazingly shaped his young body may be. Hey, if I'm grossing you out here, I apologize, but I have to admit that this is one attractive young man!
Tonight, though, really gave me another realization that I will never date this guy. We were having a conversation and he suddenly logged off the chat program. Several minutes later, he came back and explained that the program had frozen so he needed to close it and start it up again. Then he uttered that phrase that grates on me so much! That phrase that I hear thrown around so often. "It's so gay!"
My response to him was "I prefer to use the term stupid."
He responded "...and gay!"
Now I am sure I have blogged before about my supreme dislike for that phrase, so I won't get into that now. But I couldn't believe that another gay man was using that phrase. He tried to shrug it off saying "I meant it in the slang way it's used."
I quickly told him that I detest the slang use of it and why I do. He didn't seem to understand. As far as he was concerned, it's just a popular slang phrase now that really has no meaning. He really didn't get it when I told him that it actually has a LOT of meaning and is, in fact, a derogatory slur against homosexual people and that I tell the kids who ride my bus that I do NOT want to hear it said there. He actually seemed shocked that I would do that on my bus.
He said "It doesn't really bother me. When I hear people call me names I just walk away." Now it was my turn to be in shock. I asked him "So if a guy was to walk up to you and call you the 'n' word (this young man, by the way, is black) then you'd just laugh it off and walk away?"
His response: "I wouldn't laugh, but I'd just walk away and consider him a dumbass."
I responded with "But how will he ever know that he is being a dumbass if you don't educate him?"
The young man replied, "It's not my job to educate people about stuff like that. I hate confrontation and I do my best to stay away from it."
Okay, I can kind of see where he's coming from there. I mean I'm no big fan of confrontation, but I did point out to him that there are ways to talk to someone about their use of certain phrases without making a big confrontation about it. A bigot is only going to remain being a bigot until someone takes the time to stop him and say "Hey, dude, you're being a bigot!"
The conversation just got worse from there. I told him that if gay people just ignore and accept the phrase "that's so gay" then why not just give up our hope of ever achieving the right to marry. Why not accept that the world will never accept us for who we are so why bother trying to express our love the same way straight people get to?
He said that he didn't really care about gay marriage. When he finally meets the man he wants to marry he'll worry about it then. I began to realize that this is a kid who just isn't thinking about the future. But then, what 20 year old kid is? I guess that's the problem. Still I know several kids around that age who are passionate about gay rights and go to rallies and marches. Maybe this guy is just one of the immature 20 year olds. The kind who isn't yet old enough to realize that playing drinking games every night is probably not going to get him very far in life.
It was so very sad having this conversation tonight. Long before it happened, I had known that I would never meet this guy or pursue any kind of a relationship with him, so it wasn't about that. It saddened me that there are gay people out there who feel that way. There are gay people out there who will just float along through life taking the crap that the world throws and accepting it as the way things have to be. And if we do one day get the rights that we deserve those people will reap the benefits without really understanding (or caring about) all the struggle that went into giving them that right.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a fired up activist who is out there protesting and marching every weekend. But I at least have an opinion about gay rights and my future in this country as a gay man. This guy doesn't even have that! He just doesn't care! I guess he doesn't realize all that he's willing to give up. I'm sure the day will come when he does and maybe then he'll start working toward helping us get what we deserve. At least I hope he does.
When I told him that I would appreciate it if, when we chat, he not use the phrase "That's so gay" at all, he told me that he would try, but that the phrase is so ingrained in his vocabulary that he'll forget. I told him not to worry, that I would continue to remind him until he is able to remember.
"Oh great, so you'll nag me?" he asked.
My god! How sad is that?
5 comments:
Interesting points there, Pete!
I hear ya when it comes to gay people who play passive in terms of fighting for gay rights and discrimination. I was always alone when I attended the gay marriage rallies here in NYC. My friends, while they didn't express their decline, couldn't be bothered to join me.
Anyway, not that it's a total shocker but you're out to your kids on the bus? Or you just call them on it whenever they say "the phrase?"
I have really struggled with whether or not to be out to the kids who ride my bus. A couple years ago, I listened to them commenting about a teacher who came out to all his middle school classes. Some of the kids had the attitude "yeah? so what? what else is new?" but several kids were shocked and I could tell they didn't quite know how to handle it. The REALLY odd thing for me was that he told them two weeks before school ended so he had to deal with that awkwardness for two more weeks with those kids....he was moving with his partner which is why he told them.
I have decided not to come out to the kids who ride my bus simply because I don't think it's important for them to know. Though I know some kids could handle it, I know there are many who wouldn't know how to deal with it - nor would their parents.
Usually when I hear that phrase I call them on it and tell them it's inappropriate language on the bus and I don't make a deal out of it unless I hear it multiple times from the same kid.
A couple years ago, I had a really great kid riding my bus and he said it a LOT. One day I just started saying "That's so Danny" all the time until he got the message. Eventually, he stopped saying it.
Thanks for clearing that up. I love the "That's so Danny!" quip. Anyway,about 3-4 yrs ago, one of my good friends used to say that -- that's so gay -- whenever I do/wear/act something completely on the, well, I should say, effem side. I didn't take offense about it, but NOW, with all this awareness, I can see the point where it can be offensive. It hasn't happened in a long while though, so I guess he has smartened up.
On another note, I bought the Pete's Dragon dvd as per your other post. I don't particularly recall this during my childhood but now I get to check it out.
That is SO cool that you bought the Pete's Dragon DVD. I guess I should warn you that it's just a silly little musical that has stuck with me my whole life. It's to the point now that I can't even watch it without singing along. I hope you like it! Let me know
There are several coworkers that know but many who do not. I wish I could be fully out at work but there are some (including my boss) who are VERY strong in their Christian beliefs and who, I am sure, would treat me differently whether they meant to or not. There are still others who enjoy a good joke and who have in the past with other out gay men in the workplace, made offhanded jokes. I'm sure there are people who have figured me out. Everyone at work knows about my strong involvement with the Seattle Men's Chorus, I don't hide that at all. I wish I could be more out at work, but I try to make up for it by being who I am. I don't always succeed, but I do my best.
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