Mike Time

This morning, something triggered a memory. I was thinking about the first crush I got in high school. His name was Mike and we had biology together our sophomore year. That was it; just the one class. I hated that class and were it not for Mike being there, I would have fully resented having to show up for it at all.

The best part of the class, was when the bell rang--not only because class was over, but because this began my "Mike time", the time that I got to walk home with the object of my affection. My family lived a block away from the high school and Mike lived four blocks further in the same direction. I soon discovered that I could get more "Mike time" by walking past the street with my house. I did that for the entire year. I would walk with Mike to his house and then turn around and walk back to mine.

If Mike ever realized I was doing this, he never let on.

Those walks, the time in class, and a couple other random moments were the extent of my relationship with Mike. We never met up outside of school, never had sleepovers (DAMMIT!), never went to a movie or anything like that.

Yet, Nearly twenty years later, I still remember well the "Mike time" that I had.

I decided to look up Mike and discovered that he has a Facebook page. He also has a wife.

I forgot to mention that during my sophomore year, I did a LOT of fantasizing about Mike. In my mind, we were going to be boyfriends by the end of sophomore year, no longer versions by the end of our junior year and making a life-time commitment to each other by the end of our senior year. Naturally, we were going to enroll at the same college and arrange to be roommates. After college Mike would continue on to law school and I would work hard to help my love make his tuition payments. He was going to make partner by our tenth anniversary together, the party for which he would surprise me with a dog. By the time we were 30, we would have adopted our first child together and a second one by 32.

I pictured us growing old together and, yes, I pictured fantastic sex.

It's tough, though, when you see that last chance of reality dying right before you and I think that is especially hard for gay people - especially the hopelessly romantic ones like me who keep falling in love with straight guys. It isn't until you discover that those objects of your affection have gotten married that the fantasies really take a nose-dive. Until that moment, there is a tendency to grasp for that last chance no matter how hopeless the cause is in reality.

I haven't seen Mike since high school, but it wasn't until today when I saw his Facebook relationship status that I was finally able to let go of the last fleeting hope I didn't even know I was still harboring. It's a painful process.

A New Crush

I've done it again and I really blame my friend Neil for sending me the link to the following video. It's over 9 minutes long, but it's worth it.



So, yeah, I have an unhealthy crush on Seth MacFarlane, now. I've been a huge fan of Family Guy and have always found him attractive whenever I've seen him interviewed. But hearing Seth say the things he did about gay rights and marriage..... Yeah, I'm completely smitten!

Here is an interview I found in The Advocate. Man, I love this guy!

My brush with fame

Can you see me in that picture with Debbie Reynolds?

Well, the big Seattle Men's Chorus concert with Debbie Reynolds is done. As usually happens with me, I'm sad that it's all over. I really liked this show. There were some really fun arrangements of some great Hollywood songs. Though I had my doubts at some points during the weekend, we pulled off a really great show, to a couple of sold-out audiences, no less. Yes, SMC is JUST that popular!

Or it might have been our guest star...I guess we'll never really know for sure.

We were introduced to Debbie Reynolds on Thursday at the beginning of tech rehearsal. As I was walking toward the stage, I noticed this well dressed woman nodding to me with a smile as I passed her and it hit me: OMG, that's Debbie Reynolds!

We had a thirty minute Q&A session with her that was more her telling stories than anything. She talked about her husbands (Two were Jewish and one was a Gentile - there's only a small difference) and her daughter Carrie Fisher (Those of you who don't know who I am, you might have seen that little movie Star Wars? Well, I am Princess Leia's mother). She also quite proudly informed us that for a short woman, she is quite stacked (I live in Beverly Hills and my boobs live in San Diego). It was a very fun time!

After that, we ran through the songs we'd be performing with the legend. Can you believe that she's been in show business for 60 years? It quickly became apparent that we were going to have a hard time backing her up. She didn't want any monitors behind her, so it was very difficult for us to hear what she was singing. Still, when that part of rehearsal was all over it hit me: I had just sung on stage with Debbie Reynolds!

I was very worried about my "dance number" that 27 of us did in the show, aka "The Trolley Song". We still hadn't had a whole lot of rehearsal for that sequence, but it somehow came together. Initially, the idea was for us to go back onto the risers with the chorus in our regular places as the song was ending. Then, right at the last note we would take off and hide the red hats we wore for the song. But since Debbie wanted the orchestra behind her, that made getting on and off the risers extremely difficult.

In the end, they changed it so that we just walked off stage. They also told us that we could not get back on the risers from the front. Instead, we had to go up the stairs at the back and work our way through the chorus (FROM BEHIND!!!) to our spots. This meant pushing our way, saying excuse me and getting to our spot before the next number. It was no easy task. Thankfully the guys in the chorus were great about clearing a path for me.

Sometime during rehearsals, an email went out to all the trolley dancers that we should think about developing a "character" during the dance, to connect with the audience. I did a LOT of thinking about my "character" and decided that he should make out with the cute guy who stood next to me at the beginning of the number. Unfortunately, Ben didn't think it would work for his character...

Saturday brought us 1 1/2 concerts. I say "1/2" because before our big opening night, we performed a short, free concert for children with the Seattle Women's Chorus. Also, a reprotory group performed part of their show "The Jungle Book." One of SMC's songs was the Trolley Song. At the end, as we walked off-stage, someone had come up with the idea of having us pair off as though we, too, like the narrator, had hooked up and lost our heart on the trolley. As I was leaving the stage, I saw a guy named Alex and he was walking toward me. I put out my arm for him to take and he put his arm around me instead.

Then was the big opening on Saturday night. The moment the curtain went up, I felt the energy. I love that moment. Suddenly you're on and all that work you've put into the show is right there for the audience to see. Despite some minor snags, the show went off really well. Even the Trolley Song came together. At the end, Alex walked toward me again, this time his arm was hooked for me to take, but I put my arm around him as he had done before. Damn the lack of communication!

After the show, I was standing around the halls waiting for my carpool. While I waited, I noticed that two of the McCaw hall representatives approach our PR guy, Frank. They asked him if Debbie would sign their wall. They have a wall full of autographs of stars who have performed there: BB King, George Carlin...the list goes on and on. It's like a priceless collection of graffiti.

Frank said he thought Debbie could sign the wall before leaving the theater that night and took off down the hall to her dressing room. Moments later, he came out with our star behind him. Star struck, I watched as they came down the hall, stopping mere feet from me. The McCaw Hall reps were gushing as one of them explained to Debbie: "We are SO honored to have you performing here at our theater. We have this tradition where..."

At this point, the nearly 77 year old woman cut to the chase and said in a tired voice, "Yes, I know. Where is it?" To be fair, she was really tired. We all were! Then she looked at me, nodded and said, "Hi." Debbie Reynolds said "Hi" to me!!! It was a very nice end to the day.

Sunday's show went much smoother than Saturday's, but the energy wasn't as popping as the night before. My only real snafu was during the Trolley Song. The row in front of mine didn't get to their spot in time and had to push past me to get to their places. This cause those of us in the back row to get our hats on late. Other than that, everything else seemed to go fine. Alex and I even linked arms as we went off stage. Every time we saw each other before the show we'd remind each other that we were going to link arms.

Debbie did a lot of playing off Kevin, the guy who signs (ASL) our shows. She'd say something a bit on the risque side (usually about an ex husband) and then turn to him and ask how one would sign that. At one point in the show, we actually drove her to tears when she came out on stage after performing a song. She told the audience that we were all her lucky stars (that was the song that Captain Smartypants had just finished). At the end of the concert, Frank brought out a birthday cake and we all sang Happy Birthday to her. What an amazing experience!

After the show, I went out to the lobby to meet up with Claire, a co worker who came to the show. Several people came up to me and thanked me for the wonderful show. Most of them were old fans of Debbie's and now new fans of the Seattle Men's Chorus. It gave me such a warm feeling. I continue to be blessed with my involvement with SMC.

Okay.... I guess I should talk a little bit about a cute guy in the chorus. I'm not going to say his name, though I have no doubt that anyone from the chorus reading this will know exactly who he is. He's the same guy I blogged about before. Anyway, I got the chance to spend a little time with him backstage. We even walked out to the lobby together. I still think he's an awesome guy and I keep hoping that somehow something will happen between us. Lord knows I really want it to. I think I tried a little too hard to impress him, though. I probably flirted a little too much. Still, I can't help but think (or maybe it's just hope) that he enjoyed hanging out with me. The times were fleeting, but they were meaningful... at least for me.

I wish I had the answers for the best way to talk to someone you like. I mean talk in a way that gets him more interested in you. Is that even possible? You can't really MAKE someone take interest in you. I think you just be yourself and hope that they like what they see. Did he like what he saw? I have no idea. I've never been good about picking up clues like that. Hell, I probably have the worst gaydar of anyone you'll ever meet. I'm lucky I was able to figure out Clay Aiken!

One of the more meaningful moments with this guy I like happened on Sunday when he asked me if I'm singing in the next concert (In june, by the way!). I told him that I'm not sure, yet. Of course I really want to (even though the entire show will be acapella and REALLY hard to sing) but it'll all depend on my carpool. Now that I don't have a car, I have to factor in things like bus routes and carpools. The guys that I catch rides home with aren't sure yet if they're going to sing in this concert, so as of yet, neither do I.

When he heard this, the guy I like (ugh, I should just say his name, but what if he reads this????) said "Where do you live? I could probably give you a ride." When I told him and he realized how out of the way it was he smiled (oh yes, he has the most amazing smile!) and said "I love you, but not that much."

Don't worry, I didn't read to much into that four letter word. I know it didn't mean what I want it to mean. What made that transaction of words meaningful was that he was thinking of me enough to give me a ride. And to wonder if I'm singing in the next conert. Yes, I know I'm probably reading too much into it, but it had meaning for me all the same.

I really do like him! I want so badly to call him, or email him, or do any other foolish teenage girl things that (believe me) I know I should never and will never do. I just want him to notice me more and maybe find something about me that he could like. Is that possible, you think? Friends keep telling me it's possible and I wish I could believe them. I wish I could believe that I could be this guy's "Type". Maybe I am, but I keep doubting I am.

Ugh, could this entry BE any more "Dear Diary: OMG I met the cutest guy today!!" Well I guess that's what this is for. I can't get the guy off my mind, so hopefully blogging about him will help me think about other things.

Yeah. Right.

The one?

When I meet a guy and attraction develops, why is there such an obsession? I tend to obsess too much about such things.

Take, for example, my crush on John Tartaglia.

I mean, look at the guy. What's not to like? He's cute. He's talented. I've met him and he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. When I first found out about him it was through the Avenue Q soundtrack. The more I listened to it, the more I was captivated by his voice. Then came my discovery of Johnny and the Sprites - a children's show on Disney Channel. I found myself setting up a season pass on Tivo and faithfully watching the show because I was captivated by John. Okay...I obsessed about him. I still do. I am often teased by my friends by how much I obsess about him. Perhaps that is an intervention on their part?

I also obsess about Matt Damon...

Again, what's not to like? Do I even really need to explain this one to you?

I might as well confess my first ever crush: Fred Savage. I obsessed about him, too.

My point is that once I find a guy attractive I think about him all the time. I'm like a high school girl writing his name on paper, wondering what he's doing right at the moment I'm thinking about him, wondering if he ever thinks of me (or if he would if he knew of me). Sometimes I'll wonder what would happen if he fell in love with me.

I bring all this up because it has started happening again. I recently met a guy and even more recently got to know him a little bit more. Not to the point where I am in love with him, but enough to make me want to know him more. Aside from being amazingly handsome, the guy is smart, mature and oh that smile! So for the past day or two I've been obsessing. He's on my mind, invading my fantasies like a relentless suggestion from that paper clip icon in Microsoft Word - only there is no option to turn off the thoughts I keep having about him. And by the way, this isn't some actor like John, Matt and Fred. This is a guy I've actually met who is a recent addition to my circle of friends, so it's not like I'm obsessing about yet another celebrity.

Is this unhealthy? It probably is, but I can't help it. I've been told that he's "seeing someone" at the moment so any possibility of something happening between us (at least now, though my mind keeps wanting to add the phrase "and forever" as well) is pretty slim.

I don't really want to say much more about this guy - not because I'm afraid of "jinxing" anything, but because I know I'll be embarrassed months later when I go back and reread this blog entry. Despite my certain embarrassment, I wanted to get down some thoughts about him - if only to get them out of my head. Hopefully I'll be able to get over these feeling I have for the guy and move on. I know that's the right thing to do, but at the same time, my heart really doesn't want that.

My mom would tell me to "be his friend." I know that is sage advice and it is actually what I am trying to do now. I've honestly had so little interaction with him thus far, but I am hoping that this changes. As more opportunities to be around him occur, I'm hoping that I'll be able to develop some kind of a friendship with him and see if things go from there.

Oh, by the way, despite my apparent lack of fully functioning gaydar, I am certain that this guy is gay, so rest assured this isn't some straight guy with whom I have absolutely NO shot with that I'm obsessing over. My doubts about any future with him at the moment, though, stem from the rumors I have heard that he's starting a relationship with another guy and, of course, my own self doubt that there is any guy (especially one with such good looks) out there who could possibly want anything to do with me.

Okay, I'm not going to say any more. Frankly, I've said too much already. I haven't even mentioned that he recently complimented me about something and it was genuine. Of course, I'm reading too much into it, but it was nice to hear him say it. I keep hoping that I'm somehow on his radar - or gaydar. That somehow, should things not work out with the other guy, that he would consider giving it a shot with me.

Is there any time when obsession is healthy? Is it okay when the obsessions are just in my head? I mean, I have no desire to stalk the guy or anything. I just think about him a lot. I'm not sending him a ton of embarrassing messages through facebook or myspace. I'm not calling him and hanging up.

Not yet, anyway...