Jason told me a terrible story during one of last week's late-night phone conversations. He had gone out with a guy who said he found Jason attractive, liked him and wanted something more. But then he never called back. As Jason shared this story with me, I knew that he was telling me he hoped I wouldn't do that with him.
"I hate when guys do that!" He told me.
"I do, too and I've met my share of guys who do that," I told him. That was my way of telling him I'm not that kind of guy.
Here we are a week later, five days after our first date and I have yet to hear back from Jason. There was a hastily responded email and text on Monday, but since then, nothing.
So now I am sitting here wondering... did I misunderstand Jason's story. Was he actually warning me that HE was that kind of guy?
The whole thing is very frustrating. After our date (which I thought went well and I thought he had, too) it seemed, though various texts he sent me, that he was very interested in progressing forward. Then out of the blue, I stop hearing from him. At first I figured he was upset that I didn't send him anything until later on Easter, but he did respond to my email I sent him after my cousin left. Then I sent two more emails, a couple texts and tried calling him on Tuesday and got no response. Not even an email saying "Sorry, been busy, will chat with you soon."
I think what is most frustrating about this is that I have no idea what I did wrong. Wouldn't it be more prudent for guys who just break contact to at least let the other guy know why they're no longer interested? Did he find a better guy? Did I turn him straight? Did he suddenly realize that I'm too good for him and could do much better than his sorry ass?
The not knowing is pissing me off. I'm at the point now where even if he did send me something now, even something with a HUGE apology, I probably wouldn't look toward a future with him. What kind of a future could I possibly have with a guy who leaves me wondering for five days? Is that harsh? Lord knows I can't be picky. Guys aren't exactly pounding on my door begging me for a relationship.
Still, I just can't justify looking for anything of a future with this guy when I don't hear anything from him in five days.
A friend suggested that this might be that game where you're not supposed to come across as "too anxious or available." I fucking hate that game. If you're into someone, fucking let them know it! Call them up even if you're busy. Shit, I can type out an email in a few minutes. Call my voice mail so I can hear your voice. I don't care how busy you are, if you're interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, you make time to see how that person's day went.
Or am I just being stupid here?
I guess I am. Stupid for thinking that this guy might hold some kind of future romance for me. Stupid to think that anyone could take an interest in me. Stupid for letting myself get caught up in the possibility of something that obviously wasn't meant to happen.
Stupid enough to let myself be dragged back down to this place I hate to be - this place where I refuse to believe there is any hope for me. It is lonely here. It is shameful here. Yet, I nevertheless find myself hitting this low with a vengance.
Thanks a lot, Jason!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A Date and Easter
I have studied the art of Craig's list personals ads for some time now. The sheer craftiness of enlarging penis size, decreasing waist size and increasing kink acceptance seems to be an ongoing hobby of a lot of guys out there.
If, however, you stumble on a small, but interesting section, you find guys looking for more than one night stands, kinky hobbies and careless practices that even horny sailors would rather stay on the ship than experience. This section features guys commonly looking for an LTR with the right guy. LTR means Long-Term Relationship. Figuring that I'd never find my "the one" through a Craig's List ad, I sometimes answer these ads and often get the same response: nothing.
This changed about a week ago when a guy named Jason responded to an email I sent him. Over the course of several days, we exchanged emails and by the middle of the week we were talking on the phone. As I read his emails I began to take interest in this tall guy who also seemed to be taking an interest in me. We have similar interests, yet there are also differences that offer promise of variety. He insists on calling where I live Hell-vue and I insist that Zac Efron is cute and has a promising career.
We ended up meeting for the first time on Saturday at the Seattle Center. Jason is a bit taller than me at 6'5". He calls himself tall and lanky, but it suits him. My first impression is that he's a guy I can get along with. He has a dark sense of humor that sometimes turns dirty (I love that!). About the only thing that bugged me about him was that sometimes he'd interrupt me. I chalk that up to being nervous, though. I probably did it, too.
I had passes to the science center (and an IMAX movie) so we walked around there for awhile, saw a 3D movie and then went for a late lunch around 2. While walking to the restaurant, I was called to from a car in the road and saw Eric Lane Barnes and his partner on their way to the Seattle Women's Chorus concert. I had wanted to go, but didn't have the money for a ticket, though when he found out about the concert, Jason wondered if we should go. He was hungry, though so we continued to the Chinese restaurant near the Center.
I ordered Mandarin Chicken because it just sounded so good, but was dismayed to discover that it came still on the bone. I HATE eating meet off the bone. It's a lot of work for so little payoff (I stole that from Jason) and it's SO messy - especially on a first date. I struggled through the meal, messy though it was. At least it did taste good. The conversation was great. I don't think either of us had a problem being able to talk to the other.
After the meal, we walked to Pike Place Market and a comic book shop there. It has a lot more than comics, but the general theme of it is such. When I'd gone there with Gavin and his family I had looked for a Buddy Christ figurine (from the movie Dogma) but they had been out. This time, they were in stock and I actually held one in my hand! I came VERY close to buying it, but if I couldn't afford tickets to the SWC concert, I couldn't afford Buddy Christ, so I put it back. It was a challenge to do so, however.
Jason then walked me to my bus stop and we parted ways. On the ride home, I sent him a text that I'd had a great day and hoped we'd do it again. He text back "Does that mean you'd be interested in dating me?" I told him that indeed I would and asked if he felt the same. He does and said that he's interested in pursing a relationship with me.
So I guess that doesn't quite make us boyfriends, but it sure seems to be heading that way. I like Jason and enjoyed the time spent with him. I would expect to be blogging more about him in the future.
On Easter, I had made plans to spend the day with my cousin, Jessica. I went to church that morning at the church of SMC's director, Dennis Coleman. I'd been there once before and liked it, plus it's close to my new apartment. I figured that Dennis would have cooked up a great set of music for the special Church day and he didn't disappoint. I even saw a couple kids who ride my bus! I'm glad I went and I'll be heading back there, I'm sure.
Jessica arrived in the early afternoon and we went to Olive Garden. We both went for the endless salad and breadsticks. AHHHHH, the budget of broke people. We did splurge and get deserts, too. Jessica regaled me with complaints about her roommate (oh so familiar territory with me!). The roommate had been invited along but had flaked at the last minute. Based on what I'd heard about her, I was glad she'd flaked. I had been a little bothered about the roommate coming along anyway. I'd been looking forward to the family time, but when Jessica had asked, of course I told her to bring the roommate. I wasn't about to let someone be alone on Easter, however if that person chooses to be without my doing, I'll gladly reap those benefits.
After dinner, we went back to my place and played board games for several hours. I mostly have Disney games but Jessica likes Disney so we had a lot of fun. We played some DVD games I have for The Price is Right and Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader, too. The day was full of laughter and good times, so I call it a success.
Later than night I sent a text and email to Jason to see how he was doing, but he never responded. I later found out that he'd gotten a migraine and went to bed early, but until finding that out, I'd been afraid that my path to a potential relationship had already ended. I haven't heard from him at all today, either, but I'm planning on calling him later tonight. My night & weekend minutes don't kick in until 9pm and our phone conversations tend to use up many minutes.
The only other thing going on is that we've started rehearsals for the next SMC concert. I am REALLY trying to get into this concert, but I'm finding it difficult! This entire concert is going to be acapella which scares the crap outta me! It is SO difficult to stay on pitch when singing acapella. The songs are beautiful, but difficult to sing. One of them is in German, one in Latin and one in Indian.
At last night's rehearsal we had guests who worked with us on a couple songs. The first worked with us on the German. We tore about the words line by line, sang them over and over. It was laborous! To top it all off, he was adament about proper sitting in the chair - sitting foward and up. I get that this is not only the proper but best way to sing, but it got exhausting after awhile. A couple times, he even went around the room, gently poking people who were slouching. While I was never poked, there was added pressure.
The second guest worked with us on how to find overtones. This was for the Indian piece. It's an Indian Raga that has us, at the beginning, making random vowel sounds. It sounds cool, but after 25 minutes it got tiring.
I began to realize that I wasn't having fun. One thing I love about the chorus is that while we usually do work hard, it's still fun, but this wasn't fun. It was exhausting. As I look over the songs, none of them really strike me as exciting to sing. For the audience, I'm sure they're going to be a blast, but I'm not sure that I'm going to enjoy the process of getting them ready.
We also will be having a guest group singing in the concert with us and it looks like they'll take up significant portions of both acts for the concert (if I'm remembering correctly, it was 40 minutes each Act). That means a lot less involvement from the chorus in the concert. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
I don't want to drop out of the concert, especially since I ended up not singing the Holiday concert. Another factor, not even musically related is my transportation status. Last quarter, I had found rides home, but those saviors don't seem to be singing this concert, leaving me to ride the bus home. While this isn't impossible, it does make my Monday nights later. Also worrying me is how late the buses to our venue for this concert will run. Will I even be able to get home should a tech or dress rehearsal run late?
I am planning on going back at least once more next week and seeing how I feel about that rehearsal. I get that making the kind of amazing concert that we make is a lot of hard work, but even in that hard work we have fun. The work for these songs, though, seem so intense! It almost seems like everything I enjoy about singing with SMC seems to be lacking with this concert. I know the concert will be amazing, though, which makes it hard to just drop out and not sing.
So, I struggle.
One final thing involves the archival DVDs from the Debbie Reynolds concert. I just found out today that SMC was successfully able to negotiate to have Debbie's footage on the DVDs! This is fantastic news! She was such a huge part of the concerts! Thank you, thank you THANK YOU Debbie for allowing it! And thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the SMC powers that be who fought to make that happen. I can't wait to get that DVD. We should get them in early May. Thanks to Mark Schmidt who puts those together. MAN! I so can't wait to see that concert!
If, however, you stumble on a small, but interesting section, you find guys looking for more than one night stands, kinky hobbies and careless practices that even horny sailors would rather stay on the ship than experience. This section features guys commonly looking for an LTR with the right guy. LTR means Long-Term Relationship. Figuring that I'd never find my "the one" through a Craig's List ad, I sometimes answer these ads and often get the same response: nothing.
This changed about a week ago when a guy named Jason responded to an email I sent him. Over the course of several days, we exchanged emails and by the middle of the week we were talking on the phone. As I read his emails I began to take interest in this tall guy who also seemed to be taking an interest in me. We have similar interests, yet there are also differences that offer promise of variety. He insists on calling where I live Hell-vue and I insist that Zac Efron is cute and has a promising career.
We ended up meeting for the first time on Saturday at the Seattle Center. Jason is a bit taller than me at 6'5". He calls himself tall and lanky, but it suits him. My first impression is that he's a guy I can get along with. He has a dark sense of humor that sometimes turns dirty (I love that!). About the only thing that bugged me about him was that sometimes he'd interrupt me. I chalk that up to being nervous, though. I probably did it, too.
I had passes to the science center (and an IMAX movie) so we walked around there for awhile, saw a 3D movie and then went for a late lunch around 2. While walking to the restaurant, I was called to from a car in the road and saw Eric Lane Barnes and his partner on their way to the Seattle Women's Chorus concert. I had wanted to go, but didn't have the money for a ticket, though when he found out about the concert, Jason wondered if we should go. He was hungry, though so we continued to the Chinese restaurant near the Center.
I ordered Mandarin Chicken because it just sounded so good, but was dismayed to discover that it came still on the bone. I HATE eating meet off the bone. It's a lot of work for so little payoff (I stole that from Jason) and it's SO messy - especially on a first date. I struggled through the meal, messy though it was. At least it did taste good. The conversation was great. I don't think either of us had a problem being able to talk to the other.
After the meal, we walked to Pike Place Market and a comic book shop there. It has a lot more than comics, but the general theme of it is such. When I'd gone there with Gavin and his family I had looked for a Buddy Christ figurine (from the movie Dogma) but they had been out. This time, they were in stock and I actually held one in my hand! I came VERY close to buying it, but if I couldn't afford tickets to the SWC concert, I couldn't afford Buddy Christ, so I put it back. It was a challenge to do so, however.
Jason then walked me to my bus stop and we parted ways. On the ride home, I sent him a text that I'd had a great day and hoped we'd do it again. He text back "Does that mean you'd be interested in dating me?" I told him that indeed I would and asked if he felt the same. He does and said that he's interested in pursing a relationship with me.
So I guess that doesn't quite make us boyfriends, but it sure seems to be heading that way. I like Jason and enjoyed the time spent with him. I would expect to be blogging more about him in the future.
On Easter, I had made plans to spend the day with my cousin, Jessica. I went to church that morning at the church of SMC's director, Dennis Coleman. I'd been there once before and liked it, plus it's close to my new apartment. I figured that Dennis would have cooked up a great set of music for the special Church day and he didn't disappoint. I even saw a couple kids who ride my bus! I'm glad I went and I'll be heading back there, I'm sure.
Jessica arrived in the early afternoon and we went to Olive Garden. We both went for the endless salad and breadsticks. AHHHHH, the budget of broke people. We did splurge and get deserts, too. Jessica regaled me with complaints about her roommate (oh so familiar territory with me!). The roommate had been invited along but had flaked at the last minute. Based on what I'd heard about her, I was glad she'd flaked. I had been a little bothered about the roommate coming along anyway. I'd been looking forward to the family time, but when Jessica had asked, of course I told her to bring the roommate. I wasn't about to let someone be alone on Easter, however if that person chooses to be without my doing, I'll gladly reap those benefits.
After dinner, we went back to my place and played board games for several hours. I mostly have Disney games but Jessica likes Disney so we had a lot of fun. We played some DVD games I have for The Price is Right and Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader, too. The day was full of laughter and good times, so I call it a success.
Later than night I sent a text and email to Jason to see how he was doing, but he never responded. I later found out that he'd gotten a migraine and went to bed early, but until finding that out, I'd been afraid that my path to a potential relationship had already ended. I haven't heard from him at all today, either, but I'm planning on calling him later tonight. My night & weekend minutes don't kick in until 9pm and our phone conversations tend to use up many minutes.
The only other thing going on is that we've started rehearsals for the next SMC concert. I am REALLY trying to get into this concert, but I'm finding it difficult! This entire concert is going to be acapella which scares the crap outta me! It is SO difficult to stay on pitch when singing acapella. The songs are beautiful, but difficult to sing. One of them is in German, one in Latin and one in Indian.
At last night's rehearsal we had guests who worked with us on a couple songs. The first worked with us on the German. We tore about the words line by line, sang them over and over. It was laborous! To top it all off, he was adament about proper sitting in the chair - sitting foward and up. I get that this is not only the proper but best way to sing, but it got exhausting after awhile. A couple times, he even went around the room, gently poking people who were slouching. While I was never poked, there was added pressure.
The second guest worked with us on how to find overtones. This was for the Indian piece. It's an Indian Raga that has us, at the beginning, making random vowel sounds. It sounds cool, but after 25 minutes it got tiring.
I began to realize that I wasn't having fun. One thing I love about the chorus is that while we usually do work hard, it's still fun, but this wasn't fun. It was exhausting. As I look over the songs, none of them really strike me as exciting to sing. For the audience, I'm sure they're going to be a blast, but I'm not sure that I'm going to enjoy the process of getting them ready.
We also will be having a guest group singing in the concert with us and it looks like they'll take up significant portions of both acts for the concert (if I'm remembering correctly, it was 40 minutes each Act). That means a lot less involvement from the chorus in the concert. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
I don't want to drop out of the concert, especially since I ended up not singing the Holiday concert. Another factor, not even musically related is my transportation status. Last quarter, I had found rides home, but those saviors don't seem to be singing this concert, leaving me to ride the bus home. While this isn't impossible, it does make my Monday nights later. Also worrying me is how late the buses to our venue for this concert will run. Will I even be able to get home should a tech or dress rehearsal run late?
I am planning on going back at least once more next week and seeing how I feel about that rehearsal. I get that making the kind of amazing concert that we make is a lot of hard work, but even in that hard work we have fun. The work for these songs, though, seem so intense! It almost seems like everything I enjoy about singing with SMC seems to be lacking with this concert. I know the concert will be amazing, though, which makes it hard to just drop out and not sing.
So, I struggle.
One final thing involves the archival DVDs from the Debbie Reynolds concert. I just found out today that SMC was successfully able to negotiate to have Debbie's footage on the DVDs! This is fantastic news! She was such a huge part of the concerts! Thank you, thank you THANK YOU Debbie for allowing it! And thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to the SMC powers that be who fought to make that happen. I can't wait to get that DVD. We should get them in early May. Thanks to Mark Schmidt who puts those together. MAN! I so can't wait to see that concert!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Scare Tactic: RUN FOR THE HILLS!
And so we have yet another package of lies from a group calling itself Courage Campaign. I'm guessing the courage comes in having the balls to air this shit?
Take a look at the latest commercials now running in California:
https://secure.couragecampaign.org/page/contribute/TurnFearIntoHope
I guess I'm not understanding their message. Please explain to me exactly how two people of the same sex wanting to get married damages these people's lives? Are the newly-married gay couples inviting themselves over for Bible studies? "Oh, no! Mary, that newlywed gay couple just invited themselves to our Bible Study! Do we have enough cookies?"
What exactly is the threat here? I just don't get it! There's a storm gathering? The dark clouds are forming? Because gay couples want to get married? HUH? How are gay couples trying to bring issues into these people's lives? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it THESE people who are making this an issue and forcing it into people's lives? They were the driving force behind Prop 8 and they forced their closed-minded views on the gay couples who just want to acknowledge their relationships. The only ones making this an issue are these people with their scare tactic.
"My freedom will be taken away!" HUH? HOW??? If gays are allowed to be married you still have the freedom to go picket the wedding and we know these people will do it! They happily picketed the funerals of dead soldiers, claiming that God allowed them to die because America is gay friendly. What about a grieving family's freedom to mourn in peace? Or does freedom only work one way: their way!
How the hell does gay marriage affect the job of a California doctor? Is she performing marriages on the side? In exactly what way is her job being compromised? Is it the blood test or something? She feels uncomfortable testing two people of the same sex with a desire to get married? Fine, we'll go to a gay-friendly doctor. I don't want you sticking me with a needle anyway.
I'm so sorry that the New Jersey youth group can't spread their message of hate. Awwww. Poor kiddos! I'm sure it makes Baby Jesus cry, that you aren't allowed to use donated church funds to force political views on the world. As Jesus clearly taught, that is what church life is all about! Jesus DEFINITELY didn't teach love and compassion. Oh, no, his message was all about infecting the world with closed-minded thinking and fear. Oh yeah, Jesus was all about fear. And he preached SO much about those filthy gays. Go to your Bible and look up ALL the words in red that Jesus spoke against gays. I'm sure there there. No, really!
I'm sure that gay marriage is a hot topic in public schools. I bet those classrooms are just BUZZING with that information. Oh! And that whole science thing? BAH! What terrible messages those teachers are infecting our innocent children with. It's too bad that there aren't private schools we can take our children to that preach these closed-minded ideals we hold dear. It's too bad we can't home-school our children and shelter them from the horrors of the world so that when they grow up they will be unprepared to deal with the realities of the world.
HOW, HOW HOW does gay marriage strive to change the way these people live? We're talking about two people of the same sex who want to get married! How does this change your life? If you don't like it, do go to the wedding. Don't buy any gifts on the registry! Don't invite them to your block party! If two people being in love is THAT big a change to your life, then build up a wall around your home like you have your heart. What better way to block out the terrible love of two same-sex people!
I love that they call this a rainbow coalition. I'd love to talk to gay people who are running with this crowd. They must be those elusive gay republicans I keep hearing about. I love how this group claims to be all inclusive as they campaign to exclude gay people from getting married. Hypocricy, your table is ready.
"Coming together in love to protect marriage." Eh, that one speaks for itself. What can I saw that adds to the stupidity and falsehood of that blatently wrong statement?
There you have it, folks. Another attempt to thwart the love between two people. Constitution be damned. Once again the compassionate-challenged spread their message of hate, blankted by a false statement of hope and love.
One day I hope these people look back on these actions that they have taken and cry with shame. I hope they run to all the gay couples that they have hurt over the years and beg forgiveness. It's okay. We gay people are a compassionate people. Unlike you, we'll open our arms and accept you for who you are without judgement or hate.
In the end, that's really the kind of people we are. Hopefully one day you'll see that.
Take a look at the latest commercials now running in California:
https://secure.couragecampaign.org/page/contribute/TurnFearIntoHope
I guess I'm not understanding their message. Please explain to me exactly how two people of the same sex wanting to get married damages these people's lives? Are the newly-married gay couples inviting themselves over for Bible studies? "Oh, no! Mary, that newlywed gay couple just invited themselves to our Bible Study! Do we have enough cookies?"
What exactly is the threat here? I just don't get it! There's a storm gathering? The dark clouds are forming? Because gay couples want to get married? HUH? How are gay couples trying to bring issues into these people's lives? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it THESE people who are making this an issue and forcing it into people's lives? They were the driving force behind Prop 8 and they forced their closed-minded views on the gay couples who just want to acknowledge their relationships. The only ones making this an issue are these people with their scare tactic.
"My freedom will be taken away!" HUH? HOW??? If gays are allowed to be married you still have the freedom to go picket the wedding and we know these people will do it! They happily picketed the funerals of dead soldiers, claiming that God allowed them to die because America is gay friendly. What about a grieving family's freedom to mourn in peace? Or does freedom only work one way: their way!
How the hell does gay marriage affect the job of a California doctor? Is she performing marriages on the side? In exactly what way is her job being compromised? Is it the blood test or something? She feels uncomfortable testing two people of the same sex with a desire to get married? Fine, we'll go to a gay-friendly doctor. I don't want you sticking me with a needle anyway.
I'm so sorry that the New Jersey youth group can't spread their message of hate. Awwww. Poor kiddos! I'm sure it makes Baby Jesus cry, that you aren't allowed to use donated church funds to force political views on the world. As Jesus clearly taught, that is what church life is all about! Jesus DEFINITELY didn't teach love and compassion. Oh, no, his message was all about infecting the world with closed-minded thinking and fear. Oh yeah, Jesus was all about fear. And he preached SO much about those filthy gays. Go to your Bible and look up ALL the words in red that Jesus spoke against gays. I'm sure there there. No, really!
I'm sure that gay marriage is a hot topic in public schools. I bet those classrooms are just BUZZING with that information. Oh! And that whole science thing? BAH! What terrible messages those teachers are infecting our innocent children with. It's too bad that there aren't private schools we can take our children to that preach these closed-minded ideals we hold dear. It's too bad we can't home-school our children and shelter them from the horrors of the world so that when they grow up they will be unprepared to deal with the realities of the world.
HOW, HOW HOW does gay marriage strive to change the way these people live? We're talking about two people of the same sex who want to get married! How does this change your life? If you don't like it, do go to the wedding. Don't buy any gifts on the registry! Don't invite them to your block party! If two people being in love is THAT big a change to your life, then build up a wall around your home like you have your heart. What better way to block out the terrible love of two same-sex people!
I love that they call this a rainbow coalition. I'd love to talk to gay people who are running with this crowd. They must be those elusive gay republicans I keep hearing about. I love how this group claims to be all inclusive as they campaign to exclude gay people from getting married. Hypocricy, your table is ready.
"Coming together in love to protect marriage." Eh, that one speaks for itself. What can I saw that adds to the stupidity and falsehood of that blatently wrong statement?
There you have it, folks. Another attempt to thwart the love between two people. Constitution be damned. Once again the compassionate-challenged spread their message of hate, blankted by a false statement of hope and love.
One day I hope these people look back on these actions that they have taken and cry with shame. I hope they run to all the gay couples that they have hurt over the years and beg forgiveness. It's okay. We gay people are a compassionate people. Unlike you, we'll open our arms and accept you for who you are without judgement or hate.
In the end, that's really the kind of people we are. Hopefully one day you'll see that.
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