False Alarm

Jason told me a terrible story during one of last week's late-night phone conversations. He had gone out with a guy who said he found Jason attractive, liked him and wanted something more. But then he never called back. As Jason shared this story with me, I knew that he was telling me he hoped I wouldn't do that with him.

"I hate when guys do that!" He told me.

"I do, too and I've met my share of guys who do that," I told him. That was my way of telling him I'm not that kind of guy.

Here we are a week later, five days after our first date and I have yet to hear back from Jason. There was a hastily responded email and text on Monday, but since then, nothing.

So now I am sitting here wondering... did I misunderstand Jason's story. Was he actually warning me that HE was that kind of guy?

The whole thing is very frustrating. After our date (which I thought went well and I thought he had, too) it seemed, though various texts he sent me, that he was very interested in progressing forward. Then out of the blue, I stop hearing from him. At first I figured he was upset that I didn't send him anything until later on Easter, but he did respond to my email I sent him after my cousin left. Then I sent two more emails, a couple texts and tried calling him on Tuesday and got no response. Not even an email saying "Sorry, been busy, will chat with you soon."

I think what is most frustrating about this is that I have no idea what I did wrong. Wouldn't it be more prudent for guys who just break contact to at least let the other guy know why they're no longer interested? Did he find a better guy? Did I turn him straight? Did he suddenly realize that I'm too good for him and could do much better than his sorry ass?

The not knowing is pissing me off. I'm at the point now where even if he did send me something now, even something with a HUGE apology, I probably wouldn't look toward a future with him. What kind of a future could I possibly have with a guy who leaves me wondering for five days? Is that harsh? Lord knows I can't be picky. Guys aren't exactly pounding on my door begging me for a relationship.

Still, I just can't justify looking for anything of a future with this guy when I don't hear anything from him in five days.

A friend suggested that this might be that game where you're not supposed to come across as "too anxious or available." I fucking hate that game. If you're into someone, fucking let them know it! Call them up even if you're busy. Shit, I can type out an email in a few minutes. Call my voice mail so I can hear your voice. I don't care how busy you are, if you're interested in pursuing a relationship with someone, you make time to see how that person's day went.

Or am I just being stupid here?

I guess I am. Stupid for thinking that this guy might hold some kind of future romance for me. Stupid to think that anyone could take an interest in me. Stupid for letting myself get caught up in the possibility of something that obviously wasn't meant to happen.

Stupid enough to let myself be dragged back down to this place I hate to be - this place where I refuse to believe there is any hope for me. It is lonely here. It is shameful here. Yet, I nevertheless find myself hitting this low with a vengance.

Thanks a lot, Jason!