Unbearable Doubt

Last Sunday, I was actually excited. I was taking a chance on a new aspect of my job, believing that I would be able to rise to the challenge.

Four days later I am laying around my apartment feeling sorry for myself.

The past two days have brought more challenges to me than the past six years total. I have faced hectic traffic conditions into schools, a school bus full of excited children, parents who think they know better than me how their child should behave on my bus, even an accident or two.

Today, I saw something that shoved all of those experiences into a file marked: Whatever.

But first, here's what happened yesterday.

The morning portion of my route doesn't start until next week, so I have been subbing another driver's morning route. The children on this route are in a program called "Cascade" which is designed for children who have behavior issues that make it hard for them to ride a larger school bus full of children. I have actually been able to handle those kids, though there was some drama on my bus yesterday.

One of the boys was having a difficult time staying in his seat. He would lean into the aisle to talk to another student. I found myself constantly reminding him what he should be doing to safely ride the bus, but my recommendations went ignored. About half-way through the route, as I was driving on slightly curving road, I heard the boy cry out as he fell out of his seat and onto the floor. He just lay there crying. I was finally able to find a place to pull over and go back to see what happened. He had decided to put his feet up on his seat and his knees inside his shirt. The bumping of the bus caused him to lose his balance and he fell out of the seat and onto his head.

The only good thing to come out of this was that he stayed in his seat for the rest of the ride. It was the ultimate object lesson! I had to keep calling back to him to make sure he was awake - fearing the whole time that the boy had a concussion. At school I told the teacher what happened and she promised to make sure he was okay. I had to fill out an incident report once I got back to base.

And yet, that was the easiest part of my day. That afternoon I met, for the first time, the female high school student about which I have been so heavily warned. She's a heavily autistic girl who had a reputation for being physically violent toward staff. Another driver told me how she came at him with a broom. She rode my bus for the first time yesterday and though I was completely scared the whole time, it went well. She stayed in her seat, buckled in. The entire time she yelled out questions. Apparently, her only voice level is ultra loud. Several times she saw a house and asked me who lived there. She yelled about every bus we passed. She yelled about every car we passed. She yelled about how the others on the bus were being too loud for her taste.

My ears were ringing by the time we got to her stop, but at least she had stayed in her seat. I had been warned that if I didn't answer her questions then it would make her angry and unpredictable, so by the time we got to her stop I was mentally exhausted. Oh, and of course her mom wasn't at the stop to pick her up. I called to base and was told that they had, in fact, been trying to call me since I left the school. I couldn't hear them because I had a very loud passenger on my bus whose mom was back at the school. Fortunately, her mom pulled up about thirty seconds after we arrived, which was great because we were blocking a lane on one of the busiest streets in town. Of course, this woman was in NO hurry! She drove up to her parking spot, parked her car and calmly walked back to the street where I had, by then, been waiting almost three minutes - blocking a lane of traffic. She barely thanked me as her daughter got off the bus.

Today, I was told that this girl REALLY needs to have a safety vest that literally buckles her to the seat. Without it, she has the potential to jump out of her seat and attack the driver or another student. When I arrived for my route this afternoon, they asked me if I had a safety vest and I told them I did. I had gotten one yesterday and knew that it was still in my bus.

When I arrived at the school, I went back to the pocket where I had put the vest and it was gone. I then had the embarrassing task of calling into base and telling them that I was, in fact, without a safety vest, even though they had asked me before leaving. I KNOW that I put one in my bus yesterday. The only explanation I could come up with was that someone had gone into my bus and taken it because they needed it. It's happened before.

Another driver at the school had an extra one, but it was a medium, not a large. Unfortunately, the girl is a very largely built black girl. The moment she saw the vest she started screaming. She hit the teachers and began running up and down the aisle of the bus screaming at the top of her lungs. The other kids on the bus had such a look of horror on the bus. I did as well. Five school employees were on my bus trying to get the vest onto this girl. They finally got it on but it was too small for her and the more she struggled, the more it came off. She screamed, she hit the staff, she hit the window. She almost hit another student.

I called into base and was told that obviously she couldn't ride if she is acting violent like that. The head of the special needs program at the school came onto the bus and offered to ride with her if I could bring him back after my run. Somehow the staff was able to get her calmed down and actually into the vest. Don't ask me how. With a blessing from dispatch, we left the school.

Thankfully there were no more incidences. However, I got a call from dispatch asking me to remind the girls mother that she still has two safety vests that belong to the district that she doesn't seem to want to return. It was my task to remind her to bring them both of them to school tomorrow.

I should probably mention some of the horror stories I have heard about the mother. She usually takes the girl to school in the morning without a vest and then blames the school bus driver in the afternoon. She often is not at the girl's stop to meet her daughter as she is supposed to be. When she finally shows up and is reminded of the bus stop time, she gets angry, hits the side of the bus and yells curses at the bus driver. Everything that happens is the staff's fault, not hers. She has been like this ever since the girl started riding buses in our district.

So now I was worried about how I was going to confront this woman about the two district vests we needed returned. Fortunately, the mother was not at the stop. Instead, it was her boyfriend who knew nothing of the vests but promised to take it up with the girl's mother. Frankly, I am not holding out much hope.

For the first time in my career as a bus driver I am scared to death to go to work. I keep having visions of an angry autistic girl coming at me while I'm driving and our bus rolling over into a ditch as a result. What the HELL have I gotten myself into? Four days into the school year and I am already wishing it was June! I have never dreaded going into work and now I am wondering if I should suddenly develop a cold tomorrow - and have it last the next 176 working days.

I don't know if I can handle this!

Oh, now about the mystery of the disappearing safety vest. Apparently yesterday afternoon, after I had gone home, the woman in charge of issuing them went down to everyone's bus and took out vests that were still in bags. Mine was because I hadn't yet used it. When I got back to base today, I was told that I should have "double checked for the vest" before leaving the lot. Okay, maybe I should have, but frankly I had no reason to think it wouldn't be there! I had put it in there yesterday and I am the only one who uses my bus. Why the hell would it NOT be there?? I ended up going and getting another one and it is currently in my backpack. I don't even want to let the thing out of my sight. I am mentally trying to think of hiding places on my bus...

I hate this feeling of helplessness. I hate that I am now dreading my job. I have always loved my job! In fact, I did get a bit of good news today. The kids on the routes I have had the past couple years were told by their current drivers that I said "hi" and they literally cheered when they heard my name! One of the routes actually called me legendary! Whatever, right?

So can a guy who loves his job one day, suddenly go to being a chickenshit, dreading it? Can one violent high school girl really have that much power? Right now, I feel this crushing weight of unbearable doubt pressing down on me. The thought of going into work tomorrow afternoon gives me the kind of heartburn I usually get after eating really bad junk food.

All the stress I had about last year's route now seems so laughable. Hell, I wish I could laugh about this year's stress, but right now, all I can do is worry. I have no idea how I am going to get through this year. I'm starting to worry that the stress of my route will cause me to drop out of yet another concert with the Seattle Men's Chorus. How can I face the stress this girl brings to my life and then go and rehearse for a show, get home late that night and then face an extremely early clock in - and the knowledge that I might have to face a violent girl once again.

I am not in a good place right now. Not at all...

I have even lost the excitement I've had about seeing the musical Wicked on Saturday. I have been looking forward to that all summer long, and now I'm worried that I won't even be able to enjoy it.

I HATE THIS!