It gets better

I really do love Dan Savage and Terry Miller for starting this amazing campaign. I wish I had done this sooner. Anyway, better late than never, I guess. So here is my "It gets better" story. My apologies that it's so long...

I was one of the lucky gays. I was never bullied or beat up in high school or college for being gay. During my high school sophomore year I was bullied by a kid who claimed I owed him $20, but one day he pantsed an Asian kid who turned around and punched him in the face. Watching the bully sit on the ground with a dumb look on his face while everyone laughed was satisfying and it gave me enough confidence to stop ditching PE so I would pass the class.

I did, however, face a bully in high school and college, but I have no one else to blame for it but myself. What? I’m blaming the victim? Yes, I am, because the victim was also the bully. I was literally my own worst enemy growing up.

In high school, I was really disturbed by the fact that I found boys more attractive than girls. I only had a handful of “gay” experiences in high school—none of them more involved than just seeing the other guy naked—but after each time I felt this pressuring weight of guilt. I felt like the dirtiest high school boy alive.

The mental self-flagellation was worse every time I finished masturbating. Sometimes, I’d try to picture straight sex, but I inevitably began focusing more and more on the guy in the fantasy. Then I would finish my self-pleasuring and begin the mental self-flagellation with profound Catholic guilt—and I was Lutheran. It was extremely confusing.

I had been raised with deep Lutheran roots. My parents were actively involved in the church and strongly encouraged that from my brother and me. We were in bell choir and the praise choir, we were both acolytes, we occasionally led the readings in church services, sometimes we would serve as ushers and we were both actively involved in the youth program. I didn’t despise any of that activity—in fact I loved being that involved in the church. I made friends in all aspects of my church life; people of all ages.

However, like most gay Christians, therein began my inner conflict. I had heard all the Bible verses condemning those filthy homosexuals. I remember watching a movie or TV show with my family and one of the characters had AIDS and was getting sick. I remember my mom saying, “Remember that, boys. Men who have sex with other men get AIDS and die.” This was during the Reagan years when there was a lot of misinformation about AIDS. It frightened me because I knew that every time I masturbated, I was thinking about sex with other boys and I was certain that doing so would give me AIDS and I would die; not to mention the deep impacting shame I would inflict on my poor, unsuspecting family!

I graduated from high school and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I hadn’t done the required high school senior college searching, so I settled on the local community college with a liberal arts focus where I skated through my first year with a C average. I found ultimate freedom despite still living with my parents. I had my own car and a LOT of free time between classes, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go to the movies. I could look up at the marquee of a movie theater and proudly claim that I’d seen all of the movies listed there.

It was quickly becoming apparent that I wasn’t taking community college very seriously and I needed to find some direction in my life. My pastor told me about a Lutheran college in the Northwest. He suggested that I might find the needed guidance there. Since I was coasting through the community college and didn’t really care much about what I was learning, it was decided that I would apply at the Lutheran college and move to Washington State if I was accepted.

In August of 1995, I packed everything I owned into my small Chevy Spectrum and drove north. I loved college life away from my parents. I had even more freedom! I also fell in love with the Northwest. It was my kind of place. I loved the people, I loved Seattle and I even loved the weather.

I’ll never forget my first trip home for Christmas during my first year of college. I had forgotten to pack my toothbrush and I remember saying to Mom: “I need to go to the store to buy a new toothbrush because I left mine back home.” I didn’t even think about what I had said, but my mom did. She even commented, “I thought this was your home.” The truth was, I felt like Washington was where I belonged. I felt like I was destined to be there and even now, 16 years later, I still can’t imagine living anywhere else. This is as much my home now as it was back then.

College life wasn’t all fun and games, though. I was still living a double life. On the outside, I was a heterosexual who proudly displayed photos of my favorite actress— Helen Hunt—on the wall outside my dorm room. On the inside, I was a self-hating gay guy who was developing crushes on other college boys.

We had chapel services every weekday at the college and I (mostly) attended them. At this point, I started turning to God with my problem. I would beg, I would plead, I would bargain with Him. I wanted him to take away all my gay thoughts and feelings and start making me attracted to women. The days passed but my attraction to men did not. I started hating myself even more.

This torment tore at me. I knew that I was supposed to be a normal straight guy, but I just couldn’t do it. Oh sure, I could pretend and tell people that I loved my best friend in college “like a brother” but I knew that I was falling in love with him.

I met Gavin my first year. He was a sophomore who was neighbors with a friend of mine named Curt, also a freshman. I had the hots for Curt in the worst way, so I often tried to hang out with him as much as possible. One day, he offered to let me watch a movie in his room. He was one of the few people on campus with a TV and VCR in his room, so this was a major treat!

When I showed up to watch a movie, I found Curt in Gavin’s room, using his computer. He had forgotten that he had also traded use of his VCR and TV to his next-door-neighbor for use of his computer to write a term paper—one that I was also supposed to be working on. He asked if I minded watching a movie with Gavin.

Gavin had blue eyes and long blond hair that he pulled back in a pony-tail. I had never been attracted to guys with long hair so I immediately figured that this guy and I would have nothing in common. He told me that he was going to watch Return of the Jedi. As a Star Wars fan, I shrugged and said, “Sure, sounds great to me.”

Gavin and I talked through the whole movie. We were both major Star Wars geeks, so we had a lot of trivia to cover. We knew that a prequel trilogy was in the works, so that took up a lot of our discussion. Gavin was also a fan of John Williams, the composer of not just the Star Wars movies, but many other movie soundtracks. It blew me away that there was another guy out there who collected John Williams’ scores! By the end of Return of the Jedi, I felt like I had known Gavin my whole life.

I started hanging out with Gavin more often than Curt and a friendship quickly developed. After a couple of years, Curt left the college and I moved into his dorm room next to Gavin’s. I wish I could remember the moment when I started falling in love with Gavin, but I don’t.

I do remember the crushing blow I felt when he started dating a mutual friend of ours—a woman. Their relationship didn’t last, but it began a painful realization for me: Gavin was straight and there was no way he was ever going to be my boyfriend. He eventually met and started dating the woman he would eventually marry and that almost ruined our friendship. I was just too much the jealous type.

One night, Gavin was in my room and he was talking about his feelings for his future wife. I’m not sure how it happened, but we eventually started talking about honesty in a relationship. I let it slip that there was a big part of me (that was annoyingly NOT going away) that would be hard to be honest about with a woman if I ever dated one.

This intrigued Gavin and he wanted to know what it was. I couldn’t tell him, though, so he ended up guessing. I can’t remember all the things he listed, but finally, after listing things for several minutes, he said, “Well you can’t be gay. You have those pictures of Helen Hunt on the wall.” I just looked up at him and instead of saying no as I had for the other items on his list, I said nothing. For the first time in my life, I had just come out to someone!

Gavin is a very smart guy and he realized that I was falling in love with him. This freaked him out, so he decided to go to our floor’s Resident Assistant for advice. What he didn’t know (I didn’t either) was that Paul was also gay, so while Gavin was telling him about this guy on our floor that he thought might be gay and falling in love with him, Paul was panicking because he thought Gavin was referring to him. Eventually my name came up and Paul’s worry was eased.

Paul ended up taking me under his wing. He introduced me to the “gaybourhood” in Seattle up on Capitol Hill. He showed me several gay bookstores where I discovered the many wonderful gay authors that I have come to love. He introduced me to the fine art of guy cruising. He introduced me to XY, the magazine for gay men with many articles that helped me sort out the things I had been dealing with regarding my sexuality.

Paul and I never became boyfriends and never had sex (though Lord knows I wanted both). He did, however, introduce me to the gay culture. I began to realize that being gay wasn’t the bad thing I had always thought it to be. There were amazing, confident gay people all around me and they contributed great things to society—I mean just look at Dan Savage!

I credit Paul with helping me come out to myself. I finally gave up the notion that I could miraculously start liking women. I realized that it is okay to be gay. There was nothing I could do about it, so I would have a happier life if I embraced it and stopped fighting it.

I started going to gay chat rooms online and meeting other gay guys around the world. I met an amazing guy named Neil who lives in Texas. He and I have only officially met in person once, but he’s one of my best friends. He’s the guy I go to for advice in all aspects of my life. Imagine if I had never found acceptance in myself! I never would have had found that strong relationship.

It took me many, many more years before I was able to come out to my family, but once I was able to defeat that life-long inner bully that I had been facing, I was able to begin that journey of coming out publically.

Today, I may not yet have a boyfriend, but I have a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. When I was 30, I auditioned for the Seattle Men’s Chorus and it was through them that I found the courage to come out to my family. My parents were shocked, but somewhat accepting of it. They don’t like it, but they didn’t disown me, so I consider that a win. My brother literally said, “FINALLY!” when I told him I had come out to our parents. He and his wife are supportive.

Paul is still introducing me to new things. Just the other day he told me about a fantastic a cappella group that he found on YouTube. I will always credit him with helping me take those first steps toward self-acceptance. Paul was the first one to help me battle that bully.

Gavin and I are still best friends. He married the woman he met in college and they now have two beautiful kids. His parents still live north of Seattle, so every couple years he and I get to hang out. Even after all these years, he is still such an important part of my life. I still love him very much and treasure the friendship we have. He is a strong supporter of gay rights, though, as he often jokes, he has to be in the closet about it because he is a pastor for a congregation that isn’t quite where he is regarding gay rights. During our last visit together, he told me that his most lasting friendships have been with gay men and he admitted that before he met me, he was a bit homophobic himself.

So, I want to address all the gay teens out there that are struggling with their sexual identity and wishing that they could change it. Don’t beat yourself up. It is just not worth it. I know exactly what you’re going through. Maybe like me you’re trying to make deals with God, hoping He’ll change you. I’m living proof that He won’t. My guess is, he made you the way you are for a reason. Oh yes, He made you that way and He doesn’t make mistakes. You are exactly who you are meant to be, so don’t fight it; embrace it.

Seek out your “Paul”. There are people who can help introduce you to the fabulous gay world that awaits you. Those people will help you find comfort in yourself. Trust me, they are good people.

But please don’t give up. Don’t allow your inner bully to win. There are still many people who are uncomfortable with gay people like Gavin was. I bet that once they meet you in all your awesomeness, they’ll start rethinking everything they have been told about homosexuality. Through you, they might discover that gay people are just as normal as everyone else. That can’t happen if you deprive the world of the amazing person that is you. Then, I promise, you’ll start meeting the people like Neil.

Hang in there. I promise it does get better!