My two minutes of Fame

The district that I drive for recently interviewed me and posted a two minute video on the website.  I've become quite the celebrity; the superintendent sent out a district-wide email mentioning my video.  I am trying to not let it go to my head.

You can't have it both ways

This story has been going around a lot lately, but it wasn't until today that I actually watched the video. Pat Robertson's response to this issue makes me so angry and I think it has something to do with the book I am currently reading, Religion Gone Bad by Mel White. In his book, White, a former ghostwriter for many Fundamentalist Christian leaders, exposes the dangerous rhetoric used by these leaders in their fight against gay rights. Robertson features prominently in the book, so watching this clip really got me thinking about his blatant hypocrisy.

First a little history about my knowledge of Pat Robertson.

My mom is a long-time fan of The 700 Club. When I was a kid, I admit that I spent many hours watching Pat Robertson. I don't remember a lot of what was talked about, but I believe that it led to the turmoil I would later face as a teenager realizing my sexuality.

As far as I know, my mom still very much listens to and believes the things Robertson says. Several years ago, my brother and I were discussing Muslims with our parents. Dad had read a book about the religion and came away from it believing that their religion was founded on Satanic principles and that all Muslims worship Satan. My brother and I tried desperately to separate the horrific actions of the extremist terrorists of 9/11 and the rest of the Muslim faith, but our parents wouldn't have it.

Finally, my mom said, "BOYS! ENOUGH! You need to listen to what your father is saying. He read that book and we both watch the news on The 700 Club!" Both my brother and I were speechless. Later, my brother confirmed that I had heard my mom correctly. I don't think my mom is alone in her belief that The 700 Club is a valid news source.

But I digress... Back to my point.

Pat Robertson has dedicated his life and his ministry to fighting gay rights. He firmly believes that the Bible condemns gay people to hell and he sees it as his mission to save America from the wrath of God by denying gay people the basic human rights of marriage.

So when I watched that clip, I was shocked to hear him say that it's okay for a man to divorce his wife because she has Alzheimer's. Really? I find that extremely interesting since the Bible specifically admonishes people who have gotten a divorce. But see, Pat Robertson and the Fundamentalist leaders like him pick and choose things in the Bible; God hates this, but He'll turn a blind eye to that.

If you're going to fight the rights of gay people and use your belief in the Bible as the reason, then you can't turn around and tell a man that it's okay for him to break his marriage vows simply because his wife has Alzheimer's when the Bible forbids it.

You can't have it both ways, Pat.

It gets better

I really do love Dan Savage and Terry Miller for starting this amazing campaign. I wish I had done this sooner. Anyway, better late than never, I guess. So here is my "It gets better" story. My apologies that it's so long...

I was one of the lucky gays. I was never bullied or beat up in high school or college for being gay. During my high school sophomore year I was bullied by a kid who claimed I owed him $20, but one day he pantsed an Asian kid who turned around and punched him in the face. Watching the bully sit on the ground with a dumb look on his face while everyone laughed was satisfying and it gave me enough confidence to stop ditching PE so I would pass the class.

I did, however, face a bully in high school and college, but I have no one else to blame for it but myself. What? I’m blaming the victim? Yes, I am, because the victim was also the bully. I was literally my own worst enemy growing up.

In high school, I was really disturbed by the fact that I found boys more attractive than girls. I only had a handful of “gay” experiences in high school—none of them more involved than just seeing the other guy naked—but after each time I felt this pressuring weight of guilt. I felt like the dirtiest high school boy alive.

The mental self-flagellation was worse every time I finished masturbating. Sometimes, I’d try to picture straight sex, but I inevitably began focusing more and more on the guy in the fantasy. Then I would finish my self-pleasuring and begin the mental self-flagellation with profound Catholic guilt—and I was Lutheran. It was extremely confusing.

I had been raised with deep Lutheran roots. My parents were actively involved in the church and strongly encouraged that from my brother and me. We were in bell choir and the praise choir, we were both acolytes, we occasionally led the readings in church services, sometimes we would serve as ushers and we were both actively involved in the youth program. I didn’t despise any of that activity—in fact I loved being that involved in the church. I made friends in all aspects of my church life; people of all ages.

However, like most gay Christians, therein began my inner conflict. I had heard all the Bible verses condemning those filthy homosexuals. I remember watching a movie or TV show with my family and one of the characters had AIDS and was getting sick. I remember my mom saying, “Remember that, boys. Men who have sex with other men get AIDS and die.” This was during the Reagan years when there was a lot of misinformation about AIDS. It frightened me because I knew that every time I masturbated, I was thinking about sex with other boys and I was certain that doing so would give me AIDS and I would die; not to mention the deep impacting shame I would inflict on my poor, unsuspecting family!

I graduated from high school and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I hadn’t done the required high school senior college searching, so I settled on the local community college with a liberal arts focus where I skated through my first year with a C average. I found ultimate freedom despite still living with my parents. I had my own car and a LOT of free time between classes, so it wasn’t uncommon for me to go to the movies. I could look up at the marquee of a movie theater and proudly claim that I’d seen all of the movies listed there.

It was quickly becoming apparent that I wasn’t taking community college very seriously and I needed to find some direction in my life. My pastor told me about a Lutheran college in the Northwest. He suggested that I might find the needed guidance there. Since I was coasting through the community college and didn’t really care much about what I was learning, it was decided that I would apply at the Lutheran college and move to Washington State if I was accepted.

In August of 1995, I packed everything I owned into my small Chevy Spectrum and drove north. I loved college life away from my parents. I had even more freedom! I also fell in love with the Northwest. It was my kind of place. I loved the people, I loved Seattle and I even loved the weather.

I’ll never forget my first trip home for Christmas during my first year of college. I had forgotten to pack my toothbrush and I remember saying to Mom: “I need to go to the store to buy a new toothbrush because I left mine back home.” I didn’t even think about what I had said, but my mom did. She even commented, “I thought this was your home.” The truth was, I felt like Washington was where I belonged. I felt like I was destined to be there and even now, 16 years later, I still can’t imagine living anywhere else. This is as much my home now as it was back then.

College life wasn’t all fun and games, though. I was still living a double life. On the outside, I was a heterosexual who proudly displayed photos of my favorite actress— Helen Hunt—on the wall outside my dorm room. On the inside, I was a self-hating gay guy who was developing crushes on other college boys.

We had chapel services every weekday at the college and I (mostly) attended them. At this point, I started turning to God with my problem. I would beg, I would plead, I would bargain with Him. I wanted him to take away all my gay thoughts and feelings and start making me attracted to women. The days passed but my attraction to men did not. I started hating myself even more.

This torment tore at me. I knew that I was supposed to be a normal straight guy, but I just couldn’t do it. Oh sure, I could pretend and tell people that I loved my best friend in college “like a brother” but I knew that I was falling in love with him.

I met Gavin my first year. He was a sophomore who was neighbors with a friend of mine named Curt, also a freshman. I had the hots for Curt in the worst way, so I often tried to hang out with him as much as possible. One day, he offered to let me watch a movie in his room. He was one of the few people on campus with a TV and VCR in his room, so this was a major treat!

When I showed up to watch a movie, I found Curt in Gavin’s room, using his computer. He had forgotten that he had also traded use of his VCR and TV to his next-door-neighbor for use of his computer to write a term paper—one that I was also supposed to be working on. He asked if I minded watching a movie with Gavin.

Gavin had blue eyes and long blond hair that he pulled back in a pony-tail. I had never been attracted to guys with long hair so I immediately figured that this guy and I would have nothing in common. He told me that he was going to watch Return of the Jedi. As a Star Wars fan, I shrugged and said, “Sure, sounds great to me.”

Gavin and I talked through the whole movie. We were both major Star Wars geeks, so we had a lot of trivia to cover. We knew that a prequel trilogy was in the works, so that took up a lot of our discussion. Gavin was also a fan of John Williams, the composer of not just the Star Wars movies, but many other movie soundtracks. It blew me away that there was another guy out there who collected John Williams’ scores! By the end of Return of the Jedi, I felt like I had known Gavin my whole life.

I started hanging out with Gavin more often than Curt and a friendship quickly developed. After a couple of years, Curt left the college and I moved into his dorm room next to Gavin’s. I wish I could remember the moment when I started falling in love with Gavin, but I don’t.

I do remember the crushing blow I felt when he started dating a mutual friend of ours—a woman. Their relationship didn’t last, but it began a painful realization for me: Gavin was straight and there was no way he was ever going to be my boyfriend. He eventually met and started dating the woman he would eventually marry and that almost ruined our friendship. I was just too much the jealous type.

One night, Gavin was in my room and he was talking about his feelings for his future wife. I’m not sure how it happened, but we eventually started talking about honesty in a relationship. I let it slip that there was a big part of me (that was annoyingly NOT going away) that would be hard to be honest about with a woman if I ever dated one.

This intrigued Gavin and he wanted to know what it was. I couldn’t tell him, though, so he ended up guessing. I can’t remember all the things he listed, but finally, after listing things for several minutes, he said, “Well you can’t be gay. You have those pictures of Helen Hunt on the wall.” I just looked up at him and instead of saying no as I had for the other items on his list, I said nothing. For the first time in my life, I had just come out to someone!

Gavin is a very smart guy and he realized that I was falling in love with him. This freaked him out, so he decided to go to our floor’s Resident Assistant for advice. What he didn’t know (I didn’t either) was that Paul was also gay, so while Gavin was telling him about this guy on our floor that he thought might be gay and falling in love with him, Paul was panicking because he thought Gavin was referring to him. Eventually my name came up and Paul’s worry was eased.

Paul ended up taking me under his wing. He introduced me to the “gaybourhood” in Seattle up on Capitol Hill. He showed me several gay bookstores where I discovered the many wonderful gay authors that I have come to love. He introduced me to the fine art of guy cruising. He introduced me to XY, the magazine for gay men with many articles that helped me sort out the things I had been dealing with regarding my sexuality.

Paul and I never became boyfriends and never had sex (though Lord knows I wanted both). He did, however, introduce me to the gay culture. I began to realize that being gay wasn’t the bad thing I had always thought it to be. There were amazing, confident gay people all around me and they contributed great things to society—I mean just look at Dan Savage!

I credit Paul with helping me come out to myself. I finally gave up the notion that I could miraculously start liking women. I realized that it is okay to be gay. There was nothing I could do about it, so I would have a happier life if I embraced it and stopped fighting it.

I started going to gay chat rooms online and meeting other gay guys around the world. I met an amazing guy named Neil who lives in Texas. He and I have only officially met in person once, but he’s one of my best friends. He’s the guy I go to for advice in all aspects of my life. Imagine if I had never found acceptance in myself! I never would have had found that strong relationship.

It took me many, many more years before I was able to come out to my family, but once I was able to defeat that life-long inner bully that I had been facing, I was able to begin that journey of coming out publically.

Today, I may not yet have a boyfriend, but I have a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. When I was 30, I auditioned for the Seattle Men’s Chorus and it was through them that I found the courage to come out to my family. My parents were shocked, but somewhat accepting of it. They don’t like it, but they didn’t disown me, so I consider that a win. My brother literally said, “FINALLY!” when I told him I had come out to our parents. He and his wife are supportive.

Paul is still introducing me to new things. Just the other day he told me about a fantastic a cappella group that he found on YouTube. I will always credit him with helping me take those first steps toward self-acceptance. Paul was the first one to help me battle that bully.

Gavin and I are still best friends. He married the woman he met in college and they now have two beautiful kids. His parents still live north of Seattle, so every couple years he and I get to hang out. Even after all these years, he is still such an important part of my life. I still love him very much and treasure the friendship we have. He is a strong supporter of gay rights, though, as he often jokes, he has to be in the closet about it because he is a pastor for a congregation that isn’t quite where he is regarding gay rights. During our last visit together, he told me that his most lasting friendships have been with gay men and he admitted that before he met me, he was a bit homophobic himself.

So, I want to address all the gay teens out there that are struggling with their sexual identity and wishing that they could change it. Don’t beat yourself up. It is just not worth it. I know exactly what you’re going through. Maybe like me you’re trying to make deals with God, hoping He’ll change you. I’m living proof that He won’t. My guess is, he made you the way you are for a reason. Oh yes, He made you that way and He doesn’t make mistakes. You are exactly who you are meant to be, so don’t fight it; embrace it.

Seek out your “Paul”. There are people who can help introduce you to the fabulous gay world that awaits you. Those people will help you find comfort in yourself. Trust me, they are good people.

But please don’t give up. Don’t allow your inner bully to win. There are still many people who are uncomfortable with gay people like Gavin was. I bet that once they meet you in all your awesomeness, they’ll start rethinking everything they have been told about homosexuality. Through you, they might discover that gay people are just as normal as everyone else. That can’t happen if you deprive the world of the amazing person that is you. Then, I promise, you’ll start meeting the people like Neil.

Hang in there. I promise it does get better!

Wat u into?

I recently read a blog post by a gay writer that I follow on Twitter. In the post, he talked about a question he gets a lot on dating websites: "Do you like straight guys?" He then went on to explain why he doesn't like that question.

His blog (and a comment from a friend of mine that I don't blog enough) inspired me to write this entry about two questions I often get that bug the hell out of me.

The first is: "ASL?" For those of you not in the know, this stands for "Age, Sex, Location?". All too often, this is the first thing that follows "Hey" or "Hi". The reason the question bugs me, though, is that I took great effort into putting most of that information on my profile. If you're too lazy to look up my profile, then the odds of us having a meaningful conversation are pretty low. I have probably missed out on some decent guys by ignoring them when they asked it, but my guess is that the majority of the guys I ignored won't be missed.

The other question that nags at me is the one that irritates me the most: "What are you into?" More often, the question is asked "What you into?" or even worse "wat u into?"

The first time I got the question, I stared at it for so long that the guy ended up sending "are you still there?" I had no clue what he meant. Did he mean my hobbies and interests? Did he mean what movies or music I like? Was he hoping I'd respond with "Hopefully YOU tonight!"?

I never know how to answer this question. Even after years of getting it, I still don't. The reason for this is that when I finally ask the guy to explain exactly what information he wants from me, I get several different responses:

1) Gay, bi or straight?
2) Top or bottom?
3) Kissing, cuddling or just sex?

So, now when I get that question, I respond with the same thing every time: "The usual." That's right, I'm going to make the guy do a little research. I'm going to make him ask the questions that force him to clarify if he wants me to respond in general or with a kinky gutter response. Frankly, I'm too afraid that I'll respond in a kinky way and he'll type back "No, I mean what room of the house are you in?"

"Oh... um... I actually live in an apartment."

Halloween Movie Night #28 - Saw 6

Don't read this unless you've seen the first 5 Saw movies.

This is another one of my favorites in the Saw series. First of all, the story is well crafted and once again, as in Saw 3, the twist is cleverly hidden through misdirection. Second, who hasn't wanted to put an insurance adjuster through a horrific game like this?! Does this make me a bad person? Probably.

In Saw 6, an insurance adjuster who has denied the claims of dying people is put to the test in a grisly game - one of the final ones designed by the original Jigsaw. Hoffman is still trying to carry on John Kramer's legacy, but as with his copycat trap where he killed his sisters murderer, he is sloppy. He just doesn't have John Kramer's brilliance - which might speak about Kramer's intelligence given that he picked him (and Amanda). I guess even genuises make mistakes.

William Easton is an executive at an insurance company and he proudly tells John Kramer in flashbacks that he created a formula now used to deny or approve claims based on the candidates' probability for costing the company money. Liabilities are denied, of course.

"So basically," John sumarrizes, "You choose who lives or dies." Sound familiar?

William's test is less about him and more about people around him. As before with the father who's son was hit by a drunk driver, William must make choices with an eerie connection to his own proudly touted formula. People like his secretary, a young exec at the firm, the six people who pour through claims looking for errors, etc. Mean while, a mother and her son are in a cell watching, along with a reporter who has been covering (and some would suggest sensationalizing) John Kramer's legacy. How all of these people are connected isn't certain, except that they are all somehow related to William Easton.

Meanwhile, Mark Hoffman is starting to unravel. His sloppiness is beginning to get noticed by the FBI agents and it seems as though his framing of Peter Straum (the detective Hoffman killed at the end of 5) isn't working as planned.

We also find out more about John Kramer's story, especially through his wife. We find out what was in the box that John willed her after his death. We find out how much she actually knew about what John was doing. We even find out a little bit more about Amanda and what was in that letter she found shortly before dying in #3.

Yet, there is still so much left unanswered and I am excited to watch Saw 3D.

At the same time, I'm a little disappointed. 3D movies cost $5 more to see and since I've been reading that Saw 3D just isn't worth the extra money, I was planning to see it in traditional 2D, but there is only one theater showing it and it's too far to justify going by bus. I have been struggling with whether or not to see Saw 3D in theaters or just wait for it on DVD. I don't appreciate the producers of this movie forcing another $5 out of me for an already over-priced ticket.

Still, watching all the past movies this week, I am too excited about seeing the final chapter. I guess I have to make a choice, right? Live or die!..... er.....um.... rather.... See it in theaters or wait for Dvd...

Halloween Movie Night #27 - It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

It's a Halloween classic! What more can be said?

...I got a rock!

Halloween Movie Night #26 - Saw 5

Don't read this unless you have seen the first four.

Saw 5 is an entertaining movie, but it is all about Agent Hoffmann, the man who was revealed as Jigsaw's third helper at the end of the last chapter. Very little information is given about John Kramer, Amanda or Jill Tuck, Kramer's ex-wife. This chapter focused on Hoffmann's involvement in the entire story.

The backstory here reveals that Hoffmann was a partner with Jigsaw from almost the beginning. Seeking revenge for the death of his sister, Hoffmann sets up her killer and ex-boyfriend in a Jigsaw copycat device. Hoffmann's ability to make the crime scene look like a Jigsaw killing fools the police, but the sloppiness of the device pisses off Jigsaw and he confronts the vengeful brother. All of this is revealed through flashbacks while FBI agent Stramm unravels the truth about Hoffmann's involvement.

Meanwhile five victims are being tested in one of the last games of Jigsaw's design before his death. They are told at the beginning that they are all linked and discovering that link will help them win the game. This idea harkens back to the 2nd movie in more ways than one.

While I appreciated the explanations of how Hoffmann fit into the entire story, the lack of any more details about Jigsaw sends this chapter lower on the list for me. The twist is clever, but not nearly as much as the others were. We already know who the accomplice is, so there really isn't much of a surprise there, though there is a really clever twist, nonetheless.